Roller Coaster

A beautiful sweet soul of a mermaid introduced me to this song/video years ago.  I often find myself returning to it for a "reality check"

I am an emotional person.

That's it, plain and simple.

For the most part I am on an even, level keel, and yes, a smart ass to the core.

But something happens to throw me off the even, level keel of a course?

Oh, watch out.

I'm not saying that I go ballistic, but I do react.

And sometimes I overreact.

But guess what.   That's WHO I AM.

Yes, once I calm down from the situation there may be times where I look back and say, "What the hell?  Why did I freak out like that?"  And sometimes, yes, MAYBE sometimes I will apologize for overreacting.

But, AGAIN, that's WHO I AM.

Life IS a roller coaster.

Like Jem says, "Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down"

And when I get faced with an unknown, or a deviation from the route, I go a little haywire.

My friend, Travis, calls me moody.

Yea, probably.

For the most part I am a happy person with a smile on  my face that people say they like.  I get compliments on it.  They say it makes them smile, they say that my smile makes my whole face smile.

But even the smiley people have to have their moments too.

I'm not your "run of the mill" person.

I am who I am.  I am passionate.  I am dorkalicious, I am independent, I am needy, I am confident, I am unsure, I am a disco-loving, rollerskating-loving girl.  I love hockey.  I used to collect hockey trading cards,  I used to collect Fisher Price Little People.  I love to help people.  I am a photographer.  I am a bookkeeper, I love to create,  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am stubborn, dammit, I am ME.

Yes, there are times where I wish I could be numb because sometimes that rollercoaster gets a little scary with those hairpin turns.

So yea.

That's me.

And if you don't like it.  Well, that's not my problem, that's yours.

A quote that I read once sums it up, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

And my best is "da bomb".

Lizards and Crickets

Lizards.

I HATE lizards.

A few years ago there was one in my house and I had to have my friend come over at get it for me.  And it was a BABY lizard.

BLECH!

So yesterday, I was leaving to go out for a bit and I go to open up my screen door and there is a lizard ON my screen door.  And I'm thinking, "Okay, it's on the outside, I'm freaking out a little bit, but I can handle this".  NOOOOOOO.......it's on the INSIDE of my screen door.   AND my front door is OPEN, meaning it's IN my house!  ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::SHUDDER:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::.

So what do I do?  I slam the front door!  No way in hell am I taking a chance on having that thing come in MY house!  I'm getting the willies just thinking about it!  

Now, mind you I do have a dog and a cat, but the cat would probably just scare it in a corner or something and I'd never get the thing out of my house.

So I went out the back door, walked around to the front of the house, unlock the screen open up the screen door and the damn thing still would NOT. GET. OFF. MY. SCREENDOOR.

Now what.......

I found a pushbroom and got it off that way and prayed to god that it would leave the area by the time I got back.

:::::::::::::::::::shudder::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Thankfully it did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crickets......

Crickets give me the willies too.  They hop for crying out loud!  BLECH!

Back when my mom was alive and I was living with her for a bit, we had a problem with crickets in the house.  Me and my sister both can't stand them.   So everytime we saw one in the house, we would get the phone book and just drop it on the crickets.  Killed 'em right quick.

Then we would wait for our mom to get home so she could get them from underneath the phonebooks.

I'm not joking.

They freaked us out THAT much.

Now................when it comes to spiders?  Yes, I don't like them either, but I have learned to kill them myself.  Depending on what they are.

Some, I actually just leave alone.  They help me kill other bugs.

Which is a very good thing for me.

Because I can't stand bugs.

They bug me.  

I Shoot Like A Girl

Yes, another necklace from my beautiful friend, Stacy, who owns Bella Wish, from which this necklace came from.  When I saw that she had this in her store, I KNEW I had to have it.

I have ALWAYS loved photography.  Ever since I got my first polaroid camera when I was 10.  When I first took Photo in Junior High and again in High School, with my Pentax K1000.  I LOVED that camera.  I loved black and white photography.  I loved working with the pictures in the darkroom.  I always wanted to have a darkroom of my own in my own house.

Well, life got in the way, and things happen, and with me and my practical side, I never did any pursuing with it.  Along come my children and of course with children come photos.  And with the timing of them, along came scrapbooking too.  I fell in love with scrapbooking.  And what do you scrapbook?  Photos?  And how do you want to make your pages look better and stand out?  Take great pictures.  So my photography side came back out again.

When my mom passed away, I bought myself a Canon Digital Rebel SLR.  I love that camera.  The grip is all worn off and I need to get a new grip, but I still love it.  I love the lens I purchased for myself about 2 years ago as well.  There is a new lens I want to get as well, and hopefully soon I can get it.

So about 2 years ago, I really started getting into photography again.  I started shooting action shots (softball) and in the process, found a friend who does a lot of photography.  I started making connections.  I started talking to my friend, Brad, who is an AMAZING photographer, and AMAZING friend.  This was it.  The timing seemed so right.  I worked part-time, the girls were getting a little older, this was perfect, I was going to get the free time to finally start pursuing this.  I was out taking pictures around all different places.  I was getting some really good shots.

Then, once again, life happened.  And it wasn't meant to be then.

Once again, it got put on the back burner.  And I mean the WAY back burner.  To the point that I didn't pick up my camera for months.

And I missed it.

Boy did I miss it.

Just before Christmas I did a photo shoot with my girls.  We went down to Balboa Park and had fun.  And I worked with a difficult subject.  My youngest daughter.  Who was NOT in the mood to have her picture taken, AT ALL.  But I worked through it and loved the results.

This past weekend we had an AMAZING moon out to see.  Well, for those of us who didn't have COMPLETE cloud cover, that is.

So the night was beautiful and I went up to my friend's house for about a 1/2 hour and sat in his backyard and  shot this moon:

And again, I fell in love with my camera.

I'm hoping that this will help me to jumpstart this passion again and start moving things along.

Only time will tell.  But I know that this passion will not go away, and through all the obstacles, I will, one day be able to pursue this.

Daughter

Okay, so she says she hates this picture but it's one of my favorites.

She is such an amazing person.

She is beautiful inside and out.

That is when she's being nice.

When she's being sarcastic, she's just like me.

And she hates that.

Or so she says.

But I think she likes it.

But that could just be me.

She loves having her back cracked.

And cracking just about every other joint in her body.

She loves Eminem.

And the Beatles.

And the Foo Fighters.

And Usher.

And Linkin Park.

And yes.......Justin Beiber.  Sigh....  ::::::::::: shaking head::::::::::::

She loves to sit and watch TV with me.

And yes, she does love her sister, even though they fight, what seems like constantly.

But I remember what it was like to have a little sister.

And yet, another reason she is like me.

She is a strong young lady.

Something I was NOT when I was her age.

She steps up when needed.

And I SO appreciate that.

I have always asked her to be honest with me.

Even if it's not something I always want to hear.

But she is far better at knowing herself than I was at her age.

She ROCKS at soccer.

And she's very intelligent as well.

She laughs at me when I swear.

But she can swear with the best of them.

Must be that red hair feisty-ness coming out in her.

My friend, Cindy, loves her when she sees her and basically shoves me out of the way to see her.

Kindred spirits, I think.

She shows compassion, humanity.

She once started a charity fundraiser at her school for the victim of Hurricane Katrina.

Her sarcasm, wit, dry humor and smiles are the bomb.

When people say we look alike, I find that to be such a compliment, because I think she is stunning.

I am so proud to call her my daughter.

Expectations

I was talking with a friend this evening and the word "Expectation" came up.

This reminded me of a conversation I had with a dear friend about a year and a half ago.  I got to spend a lovely day with her and her daughter.  A day filled with laughter, and many conversations.

In the course of our conversation, the word "Expectations" proceeded to intertwine with our words quite a bit.

In the natural course of life we are bombarded with expectations that surround us.  When we are little, we expect our parents to be there for us.  When we are teenagers, we expect everything go our way (I mean, hello, at that point in our life we KNOW everything, right?)

In relationships we eventually have Expectations that, for the most part, are normal.  With our significant other, we expect them to treat us right.  We Expect them to be there for us.  We Expect them to "follow the rules", for lack of a better term when it comes TO the relationship.

Now, obviously, some people tend to have unrealistic expectations.  That's a given.  But for the most part, we have learned, growing up to have expectations.  And a lot of them are just the normal part of life.

But there comes a time when you do have to let certain expectations go in your life.  Sometimes it's just not the way it used to be, or the way you want it to be, and when there becomes a conflict like that in your life, you have to learn to let go of those expectations.   If something happens in your "expectations" and you feel they are not being met, you can do one of two things.

One, you can fight for those expectations, discuss those expectations and/or demand those expectations.  But that's not always a good option.  Sometimes you have to learn to let go.

And B, sometimes, it's also just opening up your eyes and seeing that person for who they are.  Not who you want them to be.  When you can do that, and learn to let go of those expectations, it is such a freeing feeling!   When you can look at someone and think to yourself, "This is who this person is" and not think about trying to change them, or make them into someone they are not, you are a much better person for it, and a tremendous weight has then been lifted off your shoulders.

And sometimes, even "normal" expectations have to be let go as well.

Now, I'm not saying that you should let go of all expectations in your life.  That would be unrealistic.  It's just letting GO of the expectations that are unrealistic or become unrealistic, or are causing conflict in your life, is where you can better your life and psyche for it.

Be

OM SHANTI necklace from www.bellawish.etsy.com

As most of you know, who know me, know that I have been going through a lot lately.

And most of the time, I think I am handling it very well.

I see a therapist, and have been seeing her for years.  Yes, I will admit it.  No, I'm not crazy.  I went through a phase in my life, after my mom died, of extreme anxiety and panic attacks.  She helped me.  She helped me get back to me.

And now, with all the other things I've got going on in my life, she helps ME to see who I am and how to help get through it.

Anyway.  back to ME.

So, while 90% of the time, I handle things very well now, there is always that 10% where I get all emotional.

I told a friend one time that sometimes I hated being a girl, because I get emotional and cry sometimes. There was a period of time in my life where I felt numb.  And I actually liked feeling that way.  It was sort of a protective barrier for me, if you will.

Thank goodness for my friends though.  They are the best.

The necklace you see pictured above is made by one of my dear friends.  Her store is located here:  www.bellawish.etsy.com

This necklace was one that I had been looking at for a long time off and on.  I finally realized it was something that I wanted to have.  See, the thing is, with her necklaces, at least for me, give me strength in a way, if you want to call it that.  Words can be a powerful thing.  And even just ONE word can just BE, that.

So it was fate, if you want to call it that, that this necklace arrived in my mailbox today.  When I think I needed it the most.

I was having a rough day emotionally (like I said, most of the time I am JUST FINE, but now and then, it just gets to me) and when I came home for lunch and saw it in my mailbox I got giddy.  Because it was something for me to remind me to just BE.  Here is her description of the necklace:

"Om is the sound in which all other sounds are formed. Shanti is Sanskrit for Peace. This necklace was created as a reminder to cultivate peace through words and actions in mind, body and soul; to bring peace with us rather than leave it behind and practice simply being as well as send these blessings to other"


I immediately put the necklace on and fingered it, like I do with all my necklaces that I wear.  It was a reminder to me to just "BE"  To calm down, and realize that life will happen, and I can freak out about it or I can just calm down, relax and just be ME.


I will be posting about other necklaces I have from her, as they each have special meaning to me and are a reminder to me of how I choose to feel at that moment.


Because let's face it.  We all have feelings and we all need to be able to express them.  Don't you agree?

Welcome to Me

I have started many other blogs.

Blogs with the best of intentions to continue and flourish.

Blogs that never went anywhere.

I'm hoping that this one will not be like all my others.

That this one, I will continue to post and learn from.

Because my past blog, I look back and see so much that I went through.

So much that I have learned.

So much still to learn.

So,  here I go.