Facebook Memories - 2012

 Almost daily I look at the Memories Facebook has for me.  It allows me to "go back in time" when I come across a post of mine.

Here is one from 14 years ago:

"J has a friend over, C has befriended a cat outside and I'm enjoying the cooler weather with having all the windows open"

This was literally 10 days after the girls and I moved from our house into a townhouse I rented (which I now own, well, I have a mortgage still....). This is such a memory that reminds me of the relaxing days we had when we moved here. The mood was instantly such more calm overall when we moved here. I remember unpacking during these first days and I remember saying aloud to my mom (who passed away in 2004), "See Mom, I did it! I have a place of my own now!"

My Grandparents Elopement

 

I have always known that my Grandparents (Melba and John) pictured here, eloped.  Her aunt, my great-aunt did not approve of my grandpa.  It wasn't until the last couple of years that I actually got to learn about the details of the elopment from memories of other family members, on both sides!   So here is their story:

   From his side of the family as told by his sister:  They met when my grandma would come back to Frankfurt to spend the summer with her dad (her mom died when she was 12, and her and her younger sister were sent to live with an aunt and uncle, and then with another aunt when the aunt and uncle got stationed in Puerto Rico).  They fell in love during one summer.  After several summers they wanted to get married.  

My grandma was supposed to leave to go back to Florida with her Aunt Edie, and sister, Joan, the next day.  They knew that if they were going to get married, it would have to be that day (her aunt did NOT approve of my grandpa).  

A friend of theirs had been playing in a band at a dance that evening.  After the dance, he drove them to Minnesota (there was not a waiting period there - similar to Las Vegas in today's world).  His sister, my great-aunt, Lucille, was asleep on the front porch, and around 3:00 a.m., my grandma's Aunt Edie and her brother, Art, came looking for them.  They were so upset and woke up the whole house.  

My great-grandpa, Owen (my grandpa's dad) asked my great-uncle, Ken (my grandpa's brother) if he knew where my Grandpa John was.  He lied and said he didn't know, but in reality, he did know.  He was covering for his brother.  One of my grandpa's other sisters, Helen also knew where they were, as my grandma had borrowed a night dress and nylons, but she covered for my grandma and grandpa as well.    

When they returned, they were married.  My grandma's dad was nice about it and my grandpa's family just adored my grandma.  My Great-Great Aunt Edie and my Great Aunt Joan returned to Florida without my grandma (obviously).  

From her side of the family, as told by her brother, Art:  He was not living in Frankfurt at that time, but was coming up from Watertown, as Aunt Edie, my grandma (Melba)  and my great-aunt Joan (my grandma's sister) were in town and he wanted to see them.  He had asked Aunt Edie if his girlfriend, Shirley could come up to spend the weekend with the family so Shirley could meet them all.  Shirley came and visited, but my Grandma Melba was nowhere to be found. 

His dad and Aunt Edie were very upset as they thought Melba and John were going to get married.  So they all drove to Minneapolis, Minnesota to try and prevent the wedding. They went to two different courthouses, one in Minneapolis and one in St. Paul, but were unable to find Melba and John.  (Turns out they went to Albert Lea, Minnesota to get married).

So the weekend my Uncle Art brought his girlfriend, Shirley, to meet the family, was also the weekend that his sister, my grandma eloped.

My grandma and grandpa John lived in a small apartment on Main Street.  My grandpa John worked part-time for his dad, Owen, in a grain elevator and also worked on a farm.  My Uncle Dan was born July 20, 1942.  Shortly after he was born, my Grandpa John and his friend drove to California to see if they could find better work out there.  Once he found work, my Grandma and my Uncle Dan moved to California as well.  My mom was born in California.

The other information I have known from my mom:  After they were married, my grandpa got her period and needed supplies.  My Grandpa John offered to go to the store and get her supplies.  When asked if he wanted a bag, he said no, and proudly displayed his purchase walking down Main Street.  He wanted everyone to know that they got married because they were in love, and NOT pregnant.  My grandma did get pregnant with my uncle that fall though.

They had a nice life in California.  They lived in an apartment in Hollywood and saved up to buy a house in Burbank.

If you are wondering why I call my grandpa my grandpa John, is because I never got the chance to meet him.  When my mom was 13, he passed away from cancer.  I think of my grandma and how devastated she must have been. 

A New Way To “Read”

 =Ever since I learned how to read i was always reading books of some sort.   From “Little House in the Prairie” series my Grandma use to give me for birthdays and Christmas (yes, I still have them), to Nancy Drew, Judy Blume, 80’s Teen Romance (remember P.S. I love you?) Gone With the Wind, Stephen King books, V.C. Andrews “Flowers In The Attic” series,  etc

There was even one time when Deathly Hallows came out.   I got it that morning, I made food for my daughters and told them that I would be reading it all day long (I wasn’t going to make the mistake again of going out in the world to over here, someone spoil a book for me)

These days I have gotten back into reading Now that my daughters are both adults and are out in the world on the road. Except instead of actually reading, I am listening to audiobooks, as it makes more sense for me and my life.

Thank goodness for the app Libby, Because I get to borrow audiobooks and listen to them through my phone. And I’m very thankful for my oldest daughter to give me recommendations of books to Listen to as well as Some friends’  recommendations as well.

I remember back in high school I would read a Stephen King book and I would be up till two or 3 o’clock in the morning in the summertime because I literally just couldn’t put it down. I am finding that way happening again with Audiobooks as well.

This brings back such great memories of me reading all the time back then and being able to fit it into my life again. It’s always good to go back to things that you used to love doing before and find a way to be able to incorporate in your life again. 

15 Years Later

Yesterday was the 15 year anniversary of my job. 15 years.  That's a long time! 

It got me to thinking about what has happened over the last 15 years.

I got this job.  This job allowed me to have vacation and sick time, the ability to take time off if my girls were sick, or had an event at school where I could go be with them.  A 401k, etc......

A friend once told me years ago, to not look back at yesterday or the past week, or even the past month, for when I felt like I was struggling.  Look back even further and it will allow me to see the progress I have made.

So looking 15 years later from where I was to where I am now, and I am grateful.  Grateful for my job.  Grateful that almost 14 years ago I had a landlady who chose me to be her tenant so that me and my girls could have a place to live.

Grateful that 9 years ago, my landlady sold this place to me.  Grateful that I had friends that supported me in helping me to find a loan and friends that encouraged me to buy it.

15 years ago I had a small side crochet business where I made funny hats for a little extra money, that lasted a couple of years.

Grateful that 15 years ago, with the encouragement of a dear friend, to start a photography business where I specialized in high school senior portraits.  That photography business lasted 12 years, and brought in extra money so that me and my daughters could go do things.  We even had passed to Disneyland for a couple of years.

Grateful that even through all the trials and tribulations with previous partners, I'm at a place where I have a really great guy, and we are best friends and each other's "person".

Have there been rough patches throughout the years?  Oh yes, definitely.  Sometimes I get inside my own head and worry about the "what ifs" and it really affects me.  But then I have these days when I look back and realize how far I HAVE come.

15 years later and my girls have both graduated college, and have moved out and are independent.  So incredibly proud of them.

Sometimes it definitely gets lonely being an "empty nester" for sure, but it also pushes me to keep moving forward towards other things. 

This is just a reminder, for me, and a thank you to that friend for telling me that one time to look back at my life and see how far I have come.

Empty Nester

 In September 2012, my daughters and I moved into a townhouse when the house was sold, and separation/divorce had been happening. This is the view of what was their rooms from my bedroom.   

This morning I woke up and while looking at this view, it brought back all the memories I have had when they both lived here. I'm so grateful in the fact that I was able to find a place where they could continue having their own rooms.  

Almost 9 years ago, my landlady decided she was going to sell this house and would I be interested?  Of course!  The only thing was that I had no real savings to put down on anything, and then she took forever to tell me the price. I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful friend who is a realtor and found me a loan with no money down, low closing costs and no PMI. With that information, I started looking at other places in case my landlady came back with a price too high for me.  My girls and I looked at 3 bedroom places, and even 2 bedroom places. Because there was a chance I couldn't afford a 3 bedroom condo/townhouse.  But alas, my landlady came back with a price that worked perfectly for me and I was fortunate enough that my girls and I stayed here.

So when I look at this view I still see the way their rooms were decorated when they still lived here (this is DEFINITELY now how it looked back then) and the life we have had here together.  About two years after actually getting to call this place my own, my oldest moved out, having graduated college and secured herself a job where she was able to support herself.

And in January of this year, my youngest moved out, after having graduated and securing a job to support herself as well.  I knew the time was coming and I had been worrying about living alone and being lonely without either one of my daughters living here.  But I also knew that my job as a mom was also to raise them to be able to live on their own and create their lives.

So I did what I always to and plan.  One has become a guest bedroom and the other one is my craft/little people collection room. I already have friends and family planning to come and visit.

So now I'm in the "empty nester" phase of my life.  And so far?  It's been great!  I can decorate it however I want, I can do whatever I want and work to make it a place of tranquility and also a place where my daughters are always welcome.

Yes, there are still a few times where I miss them, but this morning was a time for reflecting the memories in this house when we all lived here together, and smiling about it.

A Journey of the Past

 Over 39 years ago, I was sitting in the living room with my mom and we were talking.  This talk was different than normal ones, as we talked about her life and things had happened back then.  I was 18 years old when this conversation took place.

She started asking me about my teenage years. Not in any accusatory tones, just curious.

As the conversations went on, she shared a secret with me. She had been pregnant twice before I was born. Both of the pregnancies resulted in a male child.   And both of those male babies were given up for adoption. She told me that she wanted me to know in case either one of them came looking for her and showed up on our doorstep.  (They never did). Talk about a shocker of a secret!

As the conversation continued, she revealed to me that my grandparents basically forced her to go to a home for unwed mothers (It was called the Florence Crittendon Home for Unwed Mothers) the first pregnancy.  She then gave the baby up for adoption.

As for the second pregnancy, she didn't go into a home for unwed mothers, but she did give the baby up for adoption as well.  She told me that the paperwork was still at my grandparents house and so the next time we went over there, we looked for it, but the paperwork was no longer there.  My grandma must have gotten rid of it.

I wasn't provided intricate details, and sometimes I wondered why I never asked.  I think maybe I was in shock from what she told me and wanted to provide the support for her. 39 years later and 39 years of growing up, I sometimes wish I would have asked her.  Was it consentual? What happened? What was life for her like back then?

Ever since then I had always wondered about those two baby boys.  What did they look like?  Did they resemble mom?  How could I ever go about finding them?  The only thing I knew was their years of birth.  The first one was born in 1963, and the 2nd one was born either 1965 or 1966.  Not much to go on, eh?

Almost 21 years ago, my mom passed away.  Life went on.  I had even worked for a private investigator for 14 years once.  Never was able to figure out any information.  I did have conversations with one of my aunts.  She was able to give me a little bit of information regarding that time.  Little by little I was able to obtain pieces of the past.

I even did an Ancestry DNA test, in the hopes that maybe one of them had done it as well and I would be able to find them that way.  No such luck.  I joined an Adoption group on Facebook.  It was there that I found an "Adoption Angel" who helps people track down adopted parents, siblings, etc.

That, along with the scattered bits of information, I was able to narrow down the search.  There was one male, who I thought was him.  The first one. I sent a letter. He messaged me on FB. We talked. Turns out it wasn't him. But he did offer some suggestions and that was really kind of him.

Back to the drawing board.

I had to figure out a way to narrow down the timeline of when she was pregnant.

One of my sisters and I often shared momentos that we had of our mom.  She sent me a picture of a class schedule that our mom had filled out in December 1962.  Wait, what?  She went to Junior College?  I never remembered that!  Fast forward to Summer of this year.  I had to request my transcripts for my transfer to a CSU college that I am attending in the fall.   I then remembered that my mom had gone to college from that schedule my sister sent me.  

So I requested my mom's transcripts from that college she went to and found information!  She had attended that college from Fall of 1961 through Spring of 1964. 3 years she went to that college.  Except for one semester.   Fall of 1963.  She withdrew all of her classes that semester, but returned that Spring of 1964.  That HAD to be it. Then I started looking through old photo albums.  What was the chance that there was a picture of her during that time?  Even if there was a slim chance I had to look.  And I found it. I found one picture of her in the Fall of 1963. Her face was much more round than normal.  Her top was loose. You weren't able to actually see her belly, but I have seen pictures of my mom pregnant with me at 4 months and even then, (her 3rd pregnancy), you can't really tell that she was pregnant.

So Fall/early Winter of 1963.   I had narrowed down the timeline.  The Adoption Angel found one pregnancy in which a male child was born to a woman with the same last name as my mom's name. Right around Christmas.  My aunt had told me that one of the babies was born around Christmas.   The pieces fit.  This had to be the correct one.

I sent him a letter. Again with my contact information.  

Wednesday, June 18th a 2:23, I received a phone call. From him. He got my letter.  We talked. He told me the city that he knew he was born in.  It was the same city that my mom gave birth in. That was a confirmation for me.

He agreed to a DNA test, and so I gifted him an Ancestry DNA test (since I was already on there). 

Friday, July 25, 2025, the results came in, showing, in fact, that he is my 1/2 brother.

Now we start the journey of learning about each other. Of me providing answers to any and all questions he has. Introducing him to other family members.

The journey going forward is uncertain, but at the start of this journey my reasons for doing this have been perfectly clear.  To see if he looks like mom and answer any questions he has.  If he chooses to want to continue a relationship, I will oblige.  If he doesn't, then I can respect that.

And by the way, he does have a resemblance to my uncle, my mom's brother.   So the resemblance is there.

One down, One to Go.

Small House Living

 Tiny Homes are the new rage for people wanting to downsize and cut back on their expenses.

Do a lot of people collect way more than what they actually need?  Absolutely.  Am I one of those people?  Yep!   

Every so often I will go through my stuff and declutter.  Even after "decluttering" I know I have more than I need to have.

I've been watching tiny home videos on YouTube lately, as one of my dearest friends has been contemplating living in a tiny home one day.  I think these homes are absolutely adorable and they really make you keep less clutter in your home.

Watching these videos definitely inspire me to keep decluttering.  Plus, one day I don't want my children to have to go through so much crap in my house.  But that's not to say that I still can't get rid of a lot of it.  I have a couple of collections that I have, but I am in the process of creating a spreadsheet so when that time comes, they will know how much to sell it for <grin>

Back to small house living.......

I grew up in a 1 bedroom duplex with my mom, my two sisters and myself.   1 bedroom, 1 bathroom (can you even imagine? 4 girls and 1 bathroom!).  My two sisters and myself slept in the bedroom and my mom slept in the living room on the couch that pulled out to a bed.  Her dresser was in the living room and she got a wardrobe eventually to hang her clothes.

In the bedroom there was a trundle bed and a bunk bed.  Me, being the oldest I chose the upper bunk.  My mom hung a shelf up there so that I could display my things.  The bunk bed encompassed a small closet, 4 dresser drawers and a small bookshelf next to the lower bed.  The bunk bed itself was L-shaped.   When we got that bunk bed I was so excited, because I got to have my very own closet, and 2 of the drawers were all mine.  (When you share a room with others, being able to have your own "space" is extremely important.) My mom even let me put up posters of musicians in my room, including a poster of Prince in a leopard speedo (can you even imagine that today, with my younger sisters in the room? LOL)

I can still picture that bedroom. There was a small cubby as well in which my stereo was placed upon it, another small cubby for a TV that we eventually got, and even a little table and chairs for my sisters.  My mom was extremely creative in organizing so that we were able to maximize the space.  The closet ended up being for my two sisters, along with their toys.

The living room encompassed the couch (which was my mom's bed at night), a stereo cabinet where we could listen to records, a TV stand for the TV, a desk (which each one of us took turns using as we got older), my mom's dresser and armoire.  There was a coffee table and and end table as well. (My sister and I love looking through old pictures and looking at the background of the picture to see the surroundings we grew up in.

Eventually my mom purchased a washer and dryer that was able to fit in a utility closet in the kitchen.  We originally had a table and chairs in the "dining room" area of the kitchen, but I can't remember if it broke or we never used it that much (we seemed to eat at the coffee table most of the time).  I do remember once that I wanted my own room so bad, that we moved the table and chairs into the living room and I created my own "nook" in the kitchen for my "bedroom".  I think that lasted about a week or two and I wanted to go back into the bedroom.  Eventually my mom got a "bar" that replaced the table and chairs, and it was used for storage.   She also had a bakers rack and some other knick knacks in that area.   The kitchen itself was decent, however the cabinets only were on the back wall.

Looking back and how little we had, compared to all of my friends (all my close friends were only children and they all had their own rooms), there were definitely hard times.  But my mom worked hard to provide for us.  She worked full time and yet still had time to make clothes for us when we were younger, decorate the house for the holidays with what little decorations we had, and provide us with every ounce of love she had for us.   It was definitely hard for her, and you know the saying "it takes a village"?  Well she was very lucky to have that.   We had wonderful neighbors, grandparents who lived close by, and aunts and uncle who were close by as well.

And maybe, because I had so little back then, I feel like "needing" more at times.  I am lucky in the fact that I was able to buy a townhouse for me and my two daughters.  And given the fact that I am a "homeowner" now, when I find things for great prices or things that I think I MIGHT need in the future (such as home improvement items), I'm apt to pick them up.

Within the next year or so, I will become an "empty nester". I feel by then I will definitely declutter more and more, but also work on making it even more inviting so that guests will want to come stay with me so I'm not so lonely, lol.

While the tiny house idea seems very inviting, my goal is to retire here and have my mortgage paid off by then.  We shall see what happens.  And honestly, my townhouse is about 1100 sq ft, so it's not like it's all THAT big anyway

Holidays - 2024

It's almost Christmas.  10 more days until Christmas.

Christmas has ALWAYS been special to my family.  I remember when I was young.  On Christmas Eve, all the aunts and uncle and cousins would show up at my grandparents house.  It was always a good time.  Getting to see family is what really made it special.  The house was bursting with conversation and laughter and chili.  I truly miss those Christmases and treasure each and every memory I have from then.

My mom and my sisters and I always woke up on Christmas morning at my grandparents house as well.  My grandpa loved waking us up to see what "Santa" brought us.  I think he also loved it because it was the one of a few times a year that he got to have everyone awake as early has he always was (he was always an early riser). Pictures of us with my grandparents as well as my Aunt Lori and Uncle Dan in the den opening presents were plentiful over the years.

My two sisters and I were raised by my mom.  She always did what she could to make it as special as she could, as money was always tight with my mom.  One year, she stayed up until well after we went to bed to make clothes and pajamas and such for us.  She would literally lay it on top of us as we slept to make sure it fit.  

I remember one year in Junior High, name brand jeans were the "in" thing, and so she had everyone get me a pair of them so I would be "in style" like the rest of era.  Like I said, she always did what she could to make it special. Another year, I remember getting a photo album and I'm like "uh, okay great, a photo album".  And then I saw my sister opening her photo album (I honestly thought it was a blank one) and it was filled with pictures of her!   So of course I opened mine and sure enough, mine was filled with pictures of me.   It truly was one of THE MOST SPECIAL presents I had ever gotten from her.   Something that cost only the price of the album itself and then filling it with so many memories.

As we became adults and being able to purchase presents for our mom, it was definitely a struggle at times, trying to get her gifts we knew she would love.  She loved the dog Odie from the Garfield cartoon and so I happened to find these oversized Odie slippers for her.  I literally had never heard her laugh so hard with such joy as she opened that present.

My Christmas tree is filled with memories.  A few ornaments that were my grandmas (I always loved to put up her fake tree and decorate it growing up and put the Christmas train around the tree - which, by the way is now in the hands of my sister, Heidi, as my nephew, D, loves trains and I knew they would enjoy it more than me now) - sorry off topic - and a few that were my mom's, including my gold macaroni ornament that I made in elementary school.  I feel my Christmas tree is a culmination of the past and present, also including ornaments gifted to me from my email mom's group that is almost 30 years old now and we still stay in contact.

On the 19th of December it will be 20 years since my mom passed away.  Literally so much has happened in 20 years.  And while, for the most part I realize that it has been 20 years since we lost Mom, and I'm okay, sometimes the memories flood back and sadness overcomes me. But the wonderful memories I have of my Christmases with her will always bring me joy.

For anyone who reads this just always try and remember the good times and the wonderful joy you can bring to your friends and loved ones and appreciate your circles, and always try to be kind to that stranger who might just be having a bad day.

"Gotcha Month"

 

On my FB memories, it came up that today was the day that the girls and I got our dog, Gemma.   Her previous owner was unable to keep her any longer and we became the lucky recipients of Gemma.

As I have been thinking about this month, a lot happened in the month of October 2017.  Not only did our family get a new dog, but an old acquaintance came back into my life.  7 years later, he's still here.

7 years ago I realized things that I wanted in my life and things that I didn't want in my life.   This is my Gotcha Month for more than just Gemma.

I’ve Got This

(This is an essay I wrote in my English class in Fall of 2023)

    The simple act of wanting to become a mom can sound so trivial. Being responsible for raising a human being and providing the guidance to help that child become a great asset to the world is a full-time job in itself. That desire and yearning for me to become a mom to provide that was something that I felt needed to be fulfilled in my life.

    The exact moment in time when that notion filled my head is a blur, however I do believe it was at some point in high school. It’s entirely possible that it occurred either when my friends and I were either partaking in underage drinking or when each friend was grounded after being caught in said drinking escapades, or both. I do remember making a mental note to myself of how I felt at that moment and how I wanted to remember it for when I had children to hopefully relate to that time in a teenagers life.

    My life seemed vastly different than my group of friends’ lives. I only had a mom in the household. No father. My friends were only children, and I had to share a room with two sisters. I felt like the odd one out in my group. But as I knew more about my friends’ parents, I realized my difference was a good thing. Even though my mom was raising three daughters all by herself, I felt there was more love, compassion and understanding in my household than any of my friends had with two parents. Maybe I’m also biased. While my friends wore the styles of the season, I had enough clothes to last me the full week and not much more. Meals were sometimes very simple, but my sisters and I felt like we won the jackpot at dinners when we just got peaches and cottage cheese for dinner. Holiday decorations were simple but memorable. My mom worked her best to make each occasion special. 

    The yearning to become a mom led me down the path of research. I observed just about every female that played a part in my life and took notes of certain aspects I wanted to use for myself when I became a mom. My mom was at the tip top of the list with asterisks all around. The compassion, love, kindness and acceptance she showed for everyone was a key factor in my own development and training for becoming a mom. One aunt of mine, only 8 years older than me, has always enjoyed life to the fullest and is always willing to embark on an adventure. Another aunt of mine, along with her husband and five children, had her house filled with cursing and witty sarcasm that flowed through the house like lava. My best friend’s mom always emulated a sense of independence and strength. I took note of all of these and tucked them aside to put to use later in my life.

    In my early twenties, the man who I thought would be my forever person married me and helped to provide the starting point for the two children in our lives. My first daughter made her entrance into our world and joy overflowed my whole heart and mind. When we brought her home from the hospital he was so extremely nervous. He wanted one of us to be awake at all times in case something happened to her. I was the polar opposite and quite calm. In my mind I thought, “I’ve got this”. He was enlisted in the Navy and there were many times where he was out to sea for over six months during our marriage, leaving me to raise my children myself during that time. There is a term called “mother’s intuition”, wherein a mother listens to her instincts and acts accordingly. That intuition provided me with good instincts over the years.

    The fairytale dream of being married with two kids, a house and a dog made its way through the course of our marriage, but ultimately marriage statistics invaded our lives, among other aspects, and I was left being the main caregiver. I did have practice after all, with those many months of him being out to sea, but it was still a bit different knowing that it was going to happen on a constant basis. I was nervous about the financial aspect of being divorced, but in my head I said, “I’ve got this”. I wasn’t going to end up like my mom and raise my children financially on my own. Research is apparently something I use as a tool frequently, and I was able to go the legal way and get secure financial help from their father towards raising my two daughters.

    Newly divorced, back to working a full-time job, and having to place my youngest daughter in after school care, a new modified version of our life made its way through the years. It was a change for us, but along with those qualities I used to mold myself as a mom, I used my own memories as the daughter of a single mom to help myself go forward. My mom was no longer alive to ask questions, and there were many times I would cry to myself wishing I had her alive to help support me emotionally. I was lucky enough to have friends that provided that emotional support.

    Within a year and a half of going back to work full-time, a better job opportunity presented itself in my life and I was able to be a present figure in their lives during sporting and school events, and the ability to take them to doctor and dentist appointments. Facebook memories have reminded me of the multitude of soccer, softball, track, swimming and school events that enveloped our daily lives. My mom rarely had the opportunity to attend such events when I was in school because of her work schedule, so I was extremely grateful for the job that gave me the flexibility. As hectic as things got while raising my daughters and juggling schedules, there was always that voice in the back of my mind saying, “I’ve got this”.

    Financially it was a struggle for a while, however opportunities kept presenting themselves in my life. Being raised with little luxury items growing up, led me to always be concerned about financial security. I started a side business of portrait photography that led to a solid customer base for 11 years. An opportunity to purchase the rental I was in, seemed impossible, however the friends that surrounded me helped to provide guidance and steer me towards making that goal possible. As a single parent, I was able to provide my daughters and myself with a place that we could truly call our own, and allowed me to check off another item in my list of succeeding as a mom and hopefully provide a good role model to my daughters.

    After choosing to eliminate my side photography business, I was now left with a lot more time on my hands. My oldest had graduated college and lived out on her own. My youngest was starting her junior year of college. The pandemic created the opportunity for me to work from home the majority of the time, even post-pandemic. In the back of my mind I had always wanted to return to college and one day get my degree, but as time dragged on into many years of taking care of my children, that thought had been lost in the daily, monthly and yearly happenings in my life. With this new found time on my hands, the wheels started spinning in my head. Once again, research took its hold on me. I chose to take a summer class and realized I wasn’t as old as I thought and my brain was still working pretty well. Technology has allowed me to obtain my education online. I told my girls about my goal to get my bachelor’s degree and said, “I want you to be proud of me”. They told me they’ve always been proud of me as their mom and how I have always been there for them. “You’ve got this Mom”. Hearing from my girls how proud they already are of me for what I’ve done for them encouraged me even more. I’ve got this, and it turns out “I’ve always had this”.

Anxiety is the WORST!

 Worrying about medical things about me gives me such major anxiety.   I could be absolutely fine one day and then if people start talking about medical issues, more specifically about strokes or heart problems and my heart starts racing and my blood pressure gets high.

I have literally taken my blood pressure every couple of days for the past few weeks and it's been absolutely fine.

I also have this "white lab coat syndrome" where most of the time when I go see a doctor to have my blood pressure taken it's high.   Which causes them to have me come back in a month.  Or every month.  I know they are worried about it and I definitely appreciate them worrying about it and that's why I go.  I want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible.

I have been walking daily, wearing a weighted belt, dancing around the house at times, using ankle weights to help me and I'll be just fine and then someone brings up medical issues and it goes bezerk.

WHY?!  WHY?!  Why can't I relax enough?!  Why can't I know that I'm doing good?!  Why does my anxiety just suddenly happen like that?

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, thank goodness, so hopefully by talking about it more will help me as well.

Maybe its because other things have been contributing to my anxiety this week as well?

I have a LOT of schoolwork this week and I always worry that I won't have enough time to do it, yet I always end up having the time and I get it done in time.

So why am I worrying about that?

Someone dear to me is getting their 6 month CTscan for cancer on Friday.  Maybe I'm worried about that as well.  It does always worry me.

I've been on top of things for the most part around the house as well.  I even went for an extra walk this afternoon even though it was quite warm out.

Maybe I need to do more exercising to help wear me out as well.  I don't know....... 

UGH!  This just really sucks!

Cancer Sucks!

 Cancer sucks in every way shape and form.

Yes, nowadays there are so many more treatments out there and more and more people are able to have successful surgeries and treatments to be "cured" of cancer and go into remission.

Then there are the ones that don't get cured.  Signs show up when it's too late do really do anything. And that's the hardest part.

My brother died of cancer at 39.  I was 24. I had only known him for a few years (1/2 brother, met when I was 19).   My ex's uncle died a few years ago.  He got through a first bout and then it reared its ugly head and came back strong.

I've seen casual friends who have had breast cancer and have beat it.  I have a loved one who has gone through FIVE different surgeries for cancer in different parts of their body.

I have a dear, dear friend, who is going through it now, and and another dear friend's husband who is going through it now.    Their prognosis' are not good.   Both are having treatments to extend their time.

Time.

We take it for granted at times.

I'm sad.  I'm so incredibly sad that they are going through this and the outcome is not good.   I plan on going to visit my friend to make memories with her. That's what I have to call it.   I want to go do it, but yet I also don't want to go do it, because I know I won't see her ever again after that.

I visited a great aunt almost 7 years ago because I was told she was getting up there in age and didn't know how much more time she had left.  She had outlived her husband, she beat ovarian cancer in her 80's. She was 87 at the time I visited her.  I made the most out of every minute I was there with her.  We both loved geneology so we talked a lot about that.  She was quite the spitfire too.   A few years after I visited her she came down with renal cancer.   Because of her age, immunotherapy was the only treatment for her (or so I have been told).  The last time I talked to her on the phone (a few weeks before she passed away) she told me she was ready.  She had lived such a long life and it was okay for her to go.  She died a few weeks before her 91st birthday.

I am extremely grateful for the memories I got to have with her and I need to keep thinking of it this way for my friend as well.  She was there for me when I was first married.  She was in the delivery room when I was in labor with my first daughter.  If her name hadn't sounded so weird with our last name, her name would have been my daughter's middle name.  Although now that I think about it, I think it would have been just fine.  I mean how often do you call your child by their full name (usually only when in trouble).  

I want to be there for my other friend as well, who is going through it with her husband.  

It's just so incredibly sad.

And I'm so sad too for them.

Honestly, I wrote this down so I could get it out somehow.

The Trials and Tribulations of Menopause

That dreaded word........Menopause.

For some, it's a relief.  No more periods.  At least that's what we all look forward to when we hear the term menopause, right?!

Little do we all know the multitude of other symptoms that come along with it.

First, we women go through what's called "Peri-Menopause". This can last many, many years.

It's what happens when we first starting having irregular periods, and the dreaded "hot flashes" and "night sweats".  It truly is a bitch, I tell you.

Oh, and then there's the increased anxiety that comes along with it, as well as an emotional roller coaster like you've never been on.

One time I was having dinner with my daughters and my oldest was talking about something, I can't even remember what it was, but it drew some emotion out to me, and she was like, "You're not going to cry now mom, are you?"  And I'm like, "NOOOOO", and of course my eyes started welling up with tears.  Literally out of nowhere.

I remember one time my mom was going through it (the few things I do remember about her going through it).  My sisters and I thought it would be a nice thing to actually clean up the house and vaccuum like she often asked us to do.   So we got in there and vaccuumed the place as best as we could.  When she came home, she looked and literally yelled at us "Why didn't you vaccuum like I asked you to!!!"  My sisters and I looked at each other dumbfounded.   Because we actually DID vaccuum.  My mom went outside on the porch, sat there and cried.  And then at some point she got up and left in her car!  I had no idea where she went and with me being the oldest sister started literally wondering if I would have to go get a job to support me and my sisters because I didn't knnow if she was going to come back! (She did come back).   There was a time I had to go to the store to get her pads and tampons because she was literally bleeding through them and ran out.  But other than that, I don't remember her talking about it all that much or knowing too much about it.    When I went through it, I really wish I had here there to talk to me about it.

I did have my aunt (she is 9 years older than me) but I don't think her journey was that intense.

Who I did have was my friends.   Especially my oldest and dearest friend who we have been friends with since we were 10.  She had gone through it before I did and when I asked her how she handled the hot flashes she said, "I welcomed them".  I was like, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!   Then she explained it to me.   She told me that our bodies are meant to go through this cycle in our lives and the more we welcome it, the less intense it would be.

Since that time, when I did have them, I didn't fight them.  I didn't get angry or frustrated that I had them.  I let them happen.  Sure, I had my fans on me (and portable ones with me at all times), and layers of clothing that I could strip off to help me cool down as well as hair ties to put my hair up.

It's been a few years since I was in the midst of them, but I still get them occasionally.  I have found that when I get anxious about something, the temperature in my body heats up and I get the occasional hot flash.  Nothing like it used to be. (Although summer is coming up, so they may get a little more frequent with the warmer weather).

I've also changed my diet over the years because of it as well.  I've learned that sugar can contribute to the hot flashes, so I have cut out a lot of it over the years, plus it's healthier for me as well. (I have IBS but I'll get into that story another time).  I also quit drinking.  I was NEVER that much of a drinker (unless you count high school and my early 20's) so quitting it was not a hard thing to do.  I have a family history over over using alcohol (and even an alcoholic here and there) and it always made me very aware of my drinking. (again, another story for a later time).

I had a uterine ablation in my mid 40's.  I had ALWAYS had heavy periods and it got so bad at one point that I had to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes (and of course it happened when I was hosting a baby shower for a friend).  That procedure helped me not to have to deal with that anymore going through peri-menopause to the onset of menopause.

When I was in my very early 50's I went 6 months without a period and I was like "YES!"  I'm done!  And then NOPE! I had another one.   Within a year and a half of that, I finally went through the "12 months without a period" and could officially say that I was in menopause.  No more periods.  Hot flashes, yes, but the periods were gone.  No more eggs.

I have realized that with social media nowadays, my generation, (fondly called Generation X) is being so much more vocal about menopause. And the symptoms, and suggestions, and help and more women just talking about it in general.  This makes me happy because this means (or at least I hope it will mean) that it won't be a taboo to talk about, and my girls will not be so "left in the dark" when it happens. And they can be prepared (education wise, no one is ever prepared for the roller coaster it takes you on) and the support of doctors and their fellow friends who embark on the journey as well.

Because let's face it, going through ANYTHING alone is not fun (not that going through it with a bunch a friends is a party, but at least they can all commiserate together).

Almost 9 years later......

 Wow......I went back and looked at the last time I wrote on this blog and it was almost NINE YEARS AGO!   A lot has DEFINITELY happened since then.

Update:

Almost 12 years ago, I moved into in a new place.  I'm still here.  Except for the fact that 7 years ago, my landlady SOLD me the place!  I never thought I would have been able to buy it, but I had some really great friends to help guide me in the direction to be able to buy it.

I wish I would say the same for my relationship with my former husband in the fact that things stayed the same.  Unfortunately they did not. Time happens, life happens and without going into too much details, it's just the way it is.  I wish him well in his life, along with his side of the family. and always do have the hope that a friendship or at least better civility would happen again.  Only time will tell.

Still at the same job. Almost 13 years now.

My oldest?  Graduated college, went to paralegal school and is now a paralegal for the city with benefits and all!  I love this for her!

My youngest?  She is getting ready to start her last year of college.  It's been a road of ups and downs but that's how life is, and she is doing so well right now.

Me?  Not too shabby.  A year ago I restarted my journey of obtaining a college degree.   I have a full year of classes under my belt and am ready to start my next year of college.  My goal is to hopefully get my bachelors in Accounting before I turn 60, which is less than 4 years away.

That wonderful man?  Not so much.  Apparently it was NOT meant to be.

But that's how life happens and someone else came into my life and it's been almost 7 years now and it's been pretty awesome.  It's a relationship like I've never had before.  We knew each other before we started dating and so a friendship was there before.  I also know what I want and what I DON'T want and am not afraid to speak up for myself.  

Photography?  Well, after 12 years of my side hustle business, I retired from it 2 years ago.  It was just too much.  I had a lot going on in my life around the times of my busy season and it just wasn't rewarding to me anymore.  I still will occasionally do it if I feel like it for friends and family.

Crocheting?  That has gone wayside as well.  It strained my shoulder and wrist too much.  I suppose after crocheting for almost 40 years, it just took it's toll on me.  My youngest crochets now though, so I'm loving that!

My goal in coming back to this blog is to start it up again.  To tell my stories.  To leave these words for my daughters and me.

3 Years Later

This morning on my way to work I was thinking about this blog.   When I logged into it, I realized that it has been almost 3 years since I wrote on here!

So much has happened since then!

I love to look back and read what I wrote back then.   I love to see where I am now, versus where I was back then.

And even if no one else reads this, it's okay.  It's my life journey.

4 1/2 years ago I decided to start this blog.   As a change from my previous blog, (mostly because the blog's title no longer applied to me:  Thoughts Of A Mostly Stay At Home Mom.

Wow, 4 1/2  years ago.  I looked back through some of the blog posts.   Wow.  How much has progressed!

The last time I wrote, I had barely moved into my new place.   I'm still here.  I love my place.

I'm officially divorced.  Have been for over a year and a half.  And you know what?  He and I get along great now.  Who would have thought?   We are friends.   It took a long time coming after the separation, but at least we both moved forward.  After being with someone for 18 years, sharing 2 children, it's always better for everyone if exes get along.   I know it doesn't always happen, but luckily it works fine for us.  

I remember a long time ago, seeing these two people, who were exes who got along great for the sake of their daughter.   Hell, even her new husband coached with her ex-husband!   I always remembered that and told myself that if I ever did get divorced that I would want to strive for that type of relationship were exes got along.

I still go to his parents for Christmas celebrations.  I'm still friends with all of his side of the family.  After all, they were my family too for so long.    Some people might think its weird or awkard, but it has never been that way for me.  

Okay, enough reminiscing.  Let's move forward:

I just celebrated my 4th anniversary at my job.  I still love it here.  It's my work family here.

My girls.   Wow, I am constantly amazed at how wonderful they are.  My oldest just started her junior year of college.  Already?!  It amazes me how awesome she is.  (Okay yes, and sassy too, for those that know her, lol)

My youngest?  Well, she just started 8th grade, is on ASB, and cheers for Pop Warner football.  What??!  My baby who would barely talk to people?  This girl is coming out of her shell in a good way!

Me?  Ahhh, yes.  Me.

I still love my life.

I have an AMAZING man in my life.  He rocks my world.

My photography?  Wow, I am so grateful for all the people who choose to have me photograph important moments in their lives.  And their children's lives.   Every year I get more and more clients.  And this is just a side business for me!

Crocheting.  Another side business I have.  Since my photography has taken off, the crochet side has suffered some, but that's okay.  I had to take a break for six months anyway, as I was starting to get tendonitis in my left hand.  OUCH.

Finding that balance in my life has not been easy and sometimes it's still not easy.  

But I make it work.  Because I choose to.

And I'm happy.

Settling In

a little over 2 months ago, I moved in my new place.

Renting again after 10 years.

I don't look at it as a step backwards, however.

For me, it's a step forward.

To me.

I love my new place.

The first night I stood in my living room, amidst boxes and I cried.

I cried tears of joy.

My OWN place.

My cozy place for me and my girls.

Finally.

And, while, after 2 months, it's not completely the way I want it, it's coming along.

And ever day I come home, or wake up, I fall in love with my place.

Because it's something I have worked towards.

It seems like the past two years, I have worked towards many goals.

Many goals are being obtained.

But still many more have yet to be fulfilled.

A work in progress.

Always a work in progress.

And you have to be okay with that.

And I am.

And in the past two years, I have learned more patience in those two years, than I have in my whole life.

Giving and Paying it Forward

Last year I was at a point in my life where I wanted to move forward with my creative endeavors, but I was unsure where to start.  Where to go.  What to do. A dear friend of mine, Stacy, highly encouraged me to take this e-course from Kelly Rae Roberts.   She said it would help me so much and change my life.   She was SO right!!  During this e-course I was able to figure out what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it.   I wanted to pursue my photography.   But I also wanted to pursue my crocheting skills as well.  This course helped to give me the direction of which way to go.   And lo and behold, I am actually doing both!

The result of taking this e-course was this; a wealth of information and even more valuable, was the group of women who were signed up as well, who have become so near and dear to me in my life.   We call ourselves "Fly Tribe"   We have a blog specifically for our group with links to all who want to participate when we have a "Blog Hop".   A beautiful creator, Renee Burke even created necklaces for our group and I wear mine all the time.  It helps to give me strength, because when I wear it, I know that we have an amazing group that help and support each other in each of our endeavors.  We also have many other collaborations going as well!

So as the 1 year anniversary of our tribe being created was coming up, we all wanted to do something to celebrate our tribe, and we decided to give back.  To give forward, if you will.   So our group decided to donate any amount we could, to pool our money together and to give away a spot in Kelly Rae Roberts 2012 Flying Lessons e-course.  And this just happened to be the LAST TIME she would ever offer this course.  We told Kelly Rae of our intent.  And she said the she would match, dollar for dollar towards giving away spots in her e-course.  We also asked the group from 2010 if they wanted to participate as well.   

Imagine our surprise, when, at the cutoff date of this past Friday, August 17th, we had collected enough for not just 1 class, but EIGHT classes!!!!!!!!!!!   And with Kelly Rae Roberts matching dollar for dollar, that meant that there are SIXTEEN SPOTS available!  

We believe in this class so much that we want to share it with others!

So please head on over to our Fly Tribe blog and enter for your chance to win one of these lucrative spots!!

And while you are there, take a look at our Fly Tribe members' blogs and see the creative bunch that we are!!

Giveaway Time!!!!

And the winner is...................

Tracy80028!!!!  Congratulations Tracy!  I will contact you and you can let me know what you want!  Thank you everyone for all your support!!!!!

This is my crochet business.

It all started last year when a friend of mine asked if I could crochet her some owl hats for her new babies.  I posted a picture of them on Facebook and then I had people starting to request other hats from me.

So I created a Facebook Business Page:   Tinachicky

Slowly I would get more and more "likes".   So I decided that if I got to 100 likes, I would have a giveaway.

Well guess what, I got to 100 likes on July 4th.

So now, I am posting my giveaway.   You have the chance to either win one of my owl hats (in the colors of your choice), or my new barefoot sandals that I have started creating.   Below is a picture of both:

There are a few ways to enter (and each way will guarantee you another chance to win):  

1:   If you haven't already "liked" Tinachicky on Facebook, please to go the link provided:  Tinachicky and Click on the Like button and leave a comment there. (If you have already "liked" the Tinachicky page, just leave a comment there)

2:  Leave a comment here.

3:  Share the Tinachicky page on your Facebook or Twitter and then come back here and leave another comment letting me know you have done so.

That's it!   

I will announce the winner on Monday, July 9th, both on here and on my Tinachicky page on Facebook.

Thank you!!

Being a Mom to a Teenage Girl

Us at the Foo Fighters Concert

My oldest daughter is almost 17.   Yes, that's right 17.   Which means in one more year she will be 18.  Oy.

In one more year and 2 months, she will be an adult.

I must say, that even with a few minor bumps here and there and some attitude, I am throroughly enjoying watching her blossom into a wonderful, confident woman.

I remember what it was like to be a teenager.   I remember the adult female influences around me.

And that's one thing you mom's with teenage girls need to remember.  As a teenager, we remember the influences around us at that time. (and always, really, for that matter)

It's those women around me at that time, that I remember, and I remember what I wanted to take from each one of them to use as an influence for when I became a mom.

Because I knew I wanted to be a mom.  Even way back then.

The first influence is, without a doubt, my mom.  She was a great mom.  And she was a cool mom.  Ask any of my friends from when I was in high school, they will tell you the same thing.  My mom was accepting as well.  Some of my friends, and even acquaintances at that time were definitely unique in their look, but my mom treated them all the same, and never made judgement even when they weren't there.  She based it on who they were as a person, not what they looked like.  And she was so well loved by so many.

She was also very laid back as well.  She didn't ask me a lot of questions (well there was that one time when her and I sat in the living room with a couple of beers - and I was only 18 at the time - but that conversation is not for here), and when I look back, I don't remember asking her a lot of questions either.

The 2nd female in my life who was an influence on me, was my Aunt Sharon.  I used to love to go up to their house and spend time with my cousins.  I remember the atmosphere there too.  It could get loud sometimes ( I had 5 cousins there), but they were also allowed to swear if they wanted to.   I always envied that.  To be able to be relaxed enough to say "Fuck" in front of your mom.   (That was the one word my mom did not like, because I don't remember ever saying it in front of her, at least when I was a teenager).

The 3rd female in my life was one of my best friend's mom, Linda.  I remember the strength she had in her.  I remember her not holding back when it came to talking at times about things.  From the age of 10 on, I pretty much grew up in their house, as well as mine.

My grandma was an influence in my life as well, but when I was a teenager, I so did not get along with her.  As a child I did, and after I graduated high school and started college, we got along much better.  But as a teenager?  Not so much.  She was very strict (which explains why my mom was so NOT strict like that).  But when I was an adult and found out some things about her life growing up, it made sense.  I also found out that she was a bit of rebel, herself, in some ways.  (She eloped with her first husband because she knew her aunt would not approve).  She knew what she wanted.

I took some parts of all of these women, as influences for how and who I am, as a mom.

From the very get go, I told my children that they could come to me with ANYTHING.  They could ask me ANYTHING.  I would always answer them truthfully.  Yes, sometimes it has been embarrassing to explain a question that they ask about, but I still answer them.   They need to know that I am that safe person that they can come to. (Excellent example....last night my little one and I were watching a movie and they said the word "balls".  You could tell from her expression that she may have known what it meant, but still unsure and so I asked her if she knew what it meant and she thought she did, and she was close, but I corrected her and explained in a matter-of-factly, unexpressioned tone, what it actually meant.

I allow my oldest daughter to swear in the house, yes, even the word "Fuck".  With the only exception that she curb it when she is around her younger sister (even though she's already heard those words before, I still believe that when they are young, they are still so vulnerable and impressionable, and I like to keep the curse words to a minimum).  Last night we were talking about stuff and Fuck came out.  Not even necessarily in a mean way either.  Just conversation we have.  Of course she tends to laugh at me when I say it though.  Maybe it's because she never really heard it from me when she was little because I curbed my language back then?

I'm not perfect.  I never claimed to be perfect.  But I know I try and do my best when it comes to my girls.  I'm upfront and honest with them when they ask me things, I do my best to allow them to become who they truly are, and I encourage and laugh with them, and yes, even cry with them.

100 Steps

I am currently taking an e-course right now and our first assignment was to do a "100 Step Walk".  Now, I have done this before, last year I think.  When I did it back then, it was a way for me to work on looking past the obvious and finding beauty where ever I stopped.   This assignment is along the same lines, however it is dealing with so much more.

This time I did it, it came out similar, yet different.  Part of the path I walked was the same, but most of it was a different way I walked in my neighborhood.

I'm walking and I see things, and I'm like, "this would be a great picture to take!"  But I was only on Step 50, or 70.   And then I get to step 100 and I look around and what do I see at first?  Nothing.  Nothing that would catch my eye.   So that would force my head to look around.  Look even deeper at my surroundings.  

Instead of looking for that pretty flower, or lawn art, or cool looking car, I had to look more at angles and the scenery in which I was given, at that moment and figure out how I could take a picture of it and make it look interesting.  (At least in my point of view).   

So while, some were easy, some were difficult. 

This one was fairly easy for me, when I stopped at 100, I immediately saw the tire swing in the front yard.  And while this house is only 3 houses away from me, I never really noticed the tire swing.  This reminds me of being a kid and just playing.

At my 2nd stop, I looked around and honestly, I didn't see anything, but then my daughter's shoes caught my eye.  She loves these shoes.  Glittery pink high tops.  A girly spin on a boy's shoe.

The first of quite a few intersections I happen to STOP at.   Well, if I must stop here, I might as well showcase it.......

It's always interesting when you look at something from a different point of view.

Ahhh.....I finally got to stop at a place where flowers were!  I have always loved flowers and having the late day sun peek through these was quite stunning.

Another stopping point where all I saw was dead grass (with the rising cost of water, not everyone cares to keep their lawn watered in the summertime).   So I looked down and knelt down and I saw the curvature of the street at the curbline.

I actually was taking a picture of the piece of carpet in the street at this angle, but when the final picture was revealed it was more of looking at the scenery of the houses on the hill, the cars parked in the driveway, with my daughter's legs framing them.  Here we could say this was taken from an ant's point of view?

Next stop:  Behind a truck.  So this one is more about a depth of perception.

I tried my best to get the spiderwebs better in this picture, but it almost looks like you are hiding behind a bush ready to peer out and see what's there.

Don't you just love the colors of this plant with the green framing it down below?

And yet another stopping point.  A yard full of rocks.  Yes, just rocks. (at least they don't have to worry about watering)  But rocks have depth to them.  And a rock can be a foundation of some sorts too.  Hmmmm......

If you look left to right and you don't see anything, why not try looking up?  Notice the texture on the telephone pole.

Look who was barking at us while we were walking

Another time to look up and look at interesting angles.  When I looked up this is exactly what I saw.

These flags surround a tree in this yard.

I knelt down to take a picture of the crack in the street and my daughter decided to kneel down at the last minute and get in the picture. :)

At this current stop, I stopped at this wooden mailbox.  Notice how shiny the wood is.......

At my last 100 Steps stop.   Ivy, which grows so fast, but flowers blooming in with all the brush.....

So there you have it.   My point of view from a calming, fun walk with my youngest daughter.