Anxiety is the WORST!

 Worrying about medical things about me gives me such major anxiety.   I could be absolutely fine one day and then if people start talking about medical issues, more specifically about strokes or heart problems and my heart starts racing and my blood pressure gets high.

I have literally taken my blood pressure every couple of days for the past few weeks and it's been absolutely fine.

I also have this "white lab coat syndrome" where most of the time when I go see a doctor to have my blood pressure taken it's high.   Which causes them to have me come back in a month.  Or every month.  I know they are worried about it and I definitely appreciate them worrying about it and that's why I go.  I want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible.

I have been walking daily, wearing a weighted belt, dancing around the house at times, using ankle weights to help me and I'll be just fine and then someone brings up medical issues and it goes bezerk.

WHY?!  WHY?!  Why can't I relax enough?!  Why can't I know that I'm doing good?!  Why does my anxiety just suddenly happen like that?

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, thank goodness, so hopefully by talking about it more will help me as well.

Maybe its because other things have been contributing to my anxiety this week as well?

I have a LOT of schoolwork this week and I always worry that I won't have enough time to do it, yet I always end up having the time and I get it done in time.

So why am I worrying about that?

Someone dear to me is getting their 6 month CTscan for cancer on Friday.  Maybe I'm worried about that as well.  It does always worry me.

I've been on top of things for the most part around the house as well.  I even went for an extra walk this afternoon even though it was quite warm out.

Maybe I need to do more exercising to help wear me out as well.  I don't know....... 

UGH!  This just really sucks!

Cancer Sucks!

 Cancer sucks in every way shape and form.

Yes, nowadays there are so many more treatments out there and more and more people are able to have successful surgeries and treatments to be "cured" of cancer and go into remission.

Then there are the ones that don't get cured.  Signs show up when it's too late do really do anything. And that's the hardest part.

My brother died of cancer at 39.  I was 24. I had only known him for a few years (1/2 brother, met when I was 19).   My ex's uncle died a few years ago.  He got through a first bout and then it reared its ugly head and came back strong.

I've seen casual friends who have had breast cancer and have beat it.  I have a loved one who has gone through FIVE different surgeries for cancer in different parts of their body.

I have a dear, dear friend, who is going through it now, and and another dear friend's husband who is going through it now.    Their prognosis' are not good.   Both are having treatments to extend their time.

Time.

We take it for granted at times.

I'm sad.  I'm so incredibly sad that they are going through this and the outcome is not good.   I plan on going to visit my friend to make memories with her. That's what I have to call it.   I want to go do it, but yet I also don't want to go do it, because I know I won't see her ever again after that.

I visited a great aunt almost 7 years ago because I was told she was getting up there in age and didn't know how much more time she had left.  She had outlived her husband, she beat ovarian cancer in her 80's. She was 87 at the time I visited her.  I made the most out of every minute I was there with her.  We both loved geneology so we talked a lot about that.  She was quite the spitfire too.   A few years after I visited her she came down with renal cancer.   Because of her age, immunotherapy was the only treatment for her (or so I have been told).  The last time I talked to her on the phone (a few weeks before she passed away) she told me she was ready.  She had lived such a long life and it was okay for her to go.  She died a few weeks before her 91st birthday.

I am extremely grateful for the memories I got to have with her and I need to keep thinking of it this way for my friend as well.  She was there for me when I was first married.  She was in the delivery room when I was in labor with my first daughter.  If her name hadn't sounded so weird with our last name, her name would have been my daughter's middle name.  Although now that I think about it, I think it would have been just fine.  I mean how often do you call your child by their full name (usually only when in trouble).  

I want to be there for my other friend as well, who is going through it with her husband.  

It's just so incredibly sad.

And I'm so sad too for them.

Honestly, I wrote this down so I could get it out somehow.

The Trials and Tribulations of Menopause

That dreaded word........Menopause.

For some, it's a relief.  No more periods.  At least that's what we all look forward to when we hear the term menopause, right?!

Little do we all know the multitude of other symptoms that come along with it.

First, we women go through what's called "Peri-Menopause". This can last many, many years.

It's what happens when we first starting having irregular periods, and the dreaded "hot flashes" and "night sweats".  It truly is a bitch, I tell you.

Oh, and then there's the increased anxiety that comes along with it, as well as an emotional roller coaster like you've never been on.

One time I was having dinner with my daughters and my oldest was talking about something, I can't even remember what it was, but it drew some emotion out to me, and she was like, "You're not going to cry now mom, are you?"  And I'm like, "NOOOOO", and of course my eyes started welling up with tears.  Literally out of nowhere.

I remember one time my mom was going through it (the few things I do remember about her going through it).  My sisters and I thought it would be a nice thing to actually clean up the house and vaccuum like she often asked us to do.   So we got in there and vaccuumed the place as best as we could.  When she came home, she looked and literally yelled at us "Why didn't you vaccuum like I asked you to!!!"  My sisters and I looked at each other dumbfounded.   Because we actually DID vaccuum.  My mom went outside on the porch, sat there and cried.  And then at some point she got up and left in her car!  I had no idea where she went and with me being the oldest sister started literally wondering if I would have to go get a job to support me and my sisters because I didn't knnow if she was going to come back! (She did come back).   There was a time I had to go to the store to get her pads and tampons because she was literally bleeding through them and ran out.  But other than that, I don't remember her talking about it all that much or knowing too much about it.    When I went through it, I really wish I had here there to talk to me about it.

I did have my aunt (she is 9 years older than me) but I don't think her journey was that intense.

Who I did have was my friends.   Especially my oldest and dearest friend who we have been friends with since we were 10.  She had gone through it before I did and when I asked her how she handled the hot flashes she said, "I welcomed them".  I was like, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!   Then she explained it to me.   She told me that our bodies are meant to go through this cycle in our lives and the more we welcome it, the less intense it would be.

Since that time, when I did have them, I didn't fight them.  I didn't get angry or frustrated that I had them.  I let them happen.  Sure, I had my fans on me (and portable ones with me at all times), and layers of clothing that I could strip off to help me cool down as well as hair ties to put my hair up.

It's been a few years since I was in the midst of them, but I still get them occasionally.  I have found that when I get anxious about something, the temperature in my body heats up and I get the occasional hot flash.  Nothing like it used to be. (Although summer is coming up, so they may get a little more frequent with the warmer weather).

I've also changed my diet over the years because of it as well.  I've learned that sugar can contribute to the hot flashes, so I have cut out a lot of it over the years, plus it's healthier for me as well. (I have IBS but I'll get into that story another time).  I also quit drinking.  I was NEVER that much of a drinker (unless you count high school and my early 20's) so quitting it was not a hard thing to do.  I have a family history over over using alcohol (and even an alcoholic here and there) and it always made me very aware of my drinking. (again, another story for a later time).

I had a uterine ablation in my mid 40's.  I had ALWAYS had heavy periods and it got so bad at one point that I had to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes (and of course it happened when I was hosting a baby shower for a friend).  That procedure helped me not to have to deal with that anymore going through peri-menopause to the onset of menopause.

When I was in my very early 50's I went 6 months without a period and I was like "YES!"  I'm done!  And then NOPE! I had another one.   Within a year and a half of that, I finally went through the "12 months without a period" and could officially say that I was in menopause.  No more periods.  Hot flashes, yes, but the periods were gone.  No more eggs.

I have realized that with social media nowadays, my generation, (fondly called Generation X) is being so much more vocal about menopause. And the symptoms, and suggestions, and help and more women just talking about it in general.  This makes me happy because this means (or at least I hope it will mean) that it won't be a taboo to talk about, and my girls will not be so "left in the dark" when it happens. And they can be prepared (education wise, no one is ever prepared for the roller coaster it takes you on) and the support of doctors and their fellow friends who embark on the journey as well.

Because let's face it, going through ANYTHING alone is not fun (not that going through it with a bunch a friends is a party, but at least they can all commiserate together).

Almost 9 years later......

 Wow......I went back and looked at the last time I wrote on this blog and it was almost NINE YEARS AGO!   A lot has DEFINITELY happened since then.

Update:

Almost 12 years ago, I moved into in a new place.  I'm still here.  Except for the fact that 7 years ago, my landlady SOLD me the place!  I never thought I would have been able to buy it, but I had some really great friends to help guide me in the direction to be able to buy it.

I wish I would say the same for my relationship with my former husband in the fact that things stayed the same.  Unfortunately they did not. Time happens, life happens and without going into too much details, it's just the way it is.  I wish him well in his life, along with his side of the family. and always do have the hope that a friendship or at least better civility would happen again.  Only time will tell.

Still at the same job. Almost 13 years now.

My oldest?  Graduated college, went to paralegal school and is now a paralegal for the city with benefits and all!  I love this for her!

My youngest?  She is getting ready to start her last year of college.  It's been a road of ups and downs but that's how life is, and she is doing so well right now.

Me?  Not too shabby.  A year ago I restarted my journey of obtaining a college degree.   I have a full year of classes under my belt and am ready to start my next year of college.  My goal is to hopefully get my bachelors in Accounting before I turn 60, which is less than 4 years away.

That wonderful man?  Not so much.  Apparently it was NOT meant to be.

But that's how life happens and someone else came into my life and it's been almost 7 years now and it's been pretty awesome.  It's a relationship like I've never had before.  We knew each other before we started dating and so a friendship was there before.  I also know what I want and what I DON'T want and am not afraid to speak up for myself.  

Photography?  Well, after 12 years of my side hustle business, I retired from it 2 years ago.  It was just too much.  I had a lot going on in my life around the times of my busy season and it just wasn't rewarding to me anymore.  I still will occasionally do it if I feel like it for friends and family.

Crocheting?  That has gone wayside as well.  It strained my shoulder and wrist too much.  I suppose after crocheting for almost 40 years, it just took it's toll on me.  My youngest crochets now though, so I'm loving that!

My goal in coming back to this blog is to start it up again.  To tell my stories.  To leave these words for my daughters and me.