A New Way To “Read”

 Ever since I learned how to read i was always reading books of some sort.   From “Little House in the Prairie” series my Grandma use to give me for birthdays and Christmas (yes, I still have them), to Nancy Drew, Judy Blume, 80’s Teen Romance (remember P.S. I love you?) Gone With the Wind, Stephen King books, V.C. Andrews “Flowers In The Attic” series,  etc

There was even one time when Deathly Hallows came out.   I got it that morning, I made food for my daughters and told them that I would be reading it all day long (I wasn’t going to make the mistake again of going out in the world to over here, someone spoil a book for me)

These days I have gotten back into reading Now that my daughters are both adults and are out in the world on the road. Except instead of actually reading, I am listening to audiobooks, as it makes more sense for me and my life.

Thank goodness for the app Libby, Because I get to borrow audiobooks and listen to them through my phone. And I’m very thankful for my oldest daughter to give me recommendations of books to Listen to as well as Some friends’  recommendations as well.

I remember back in high school I would read a Stephen King book and I would be up till two or 3 o’clock in the morning in the summertime because I literally just couldn’t put it down. I am finding that way happening again with Audiobooks as well.

This brings back such great memories of me reading all the time back then and being able to fit it into my life again. It’s always good to go back to things that you used to love doing before and find a way to be able to incorporate in your life again. 

15 Years Later

Yesterday was the 15 year anniversary of my job. 15 years.  That's a long time! 

It got me to thinking about what has happened over the last 15 years.

I got this job.  This job allowed me to have vacation and sick time, the ability to take time off if my girls were sick, or had an event at school where I could go be with them.  A 401k, etc......

A friend once told me years ago, to not look back at yesterday or the past week, or even the past month, for when I felt like I was struggling.  Look back even further and it will allow me to see the progress I have made.

So looking 15 years later from where I was to where I am now, and I am grateful.  Grateful for my job.  Grateful that almost 14 years ago I had a landlady who chose me to be her tenant so that me and my girls could have a place to live.

Grateful that 9 years ago, my landlady sold this place to me.  Grateful that I had friends that supported me in helping me to find a loan and friends that encouraged me to buy it.

15 years ago I had a small side crochet business where I made funny hats for a little extra money, that lasted a couple of years.

Grateful that 15 years ago, with the encouragement of a dear friend, to start a photography business where I specialized in high school senior portraits.  That photography business lasted 12 years, and brought in extra money so that me and my daughters could go do things.  We even had passed to Disneyland for a couple of years.

Grateful that even through all the trials and tribulations with previous partners, I'm at a place where I have a really great guy, and we are best friends and each other's "person".

Have there been rough patches throughout the years?  Oh yes, definitely.  Sometimes I get inside my own head and worry about the "what ifs" and it really affects me.  But then I have these days when I look back and realize how far I HAVE come.

15 years later and my girls have both graduated college, and have moved out and are independent.  So incredibly proud of them.

Sometimes it definitely gets lonely being an "empty nester" for sure, but it also pushes me to keep moving forward towards other things. 

This is just a reminder, for me, and a thank you to that friend for telling me that one time to look back at my life and see how far I have come.

Empty Nester

 In September 2012, my daughters and I moved into a townhouse when the house was sold, and separation/divorce had been happening. This is the view of what was their rooms from my bedroom.   

This morning I woke up and while looking at this view, it brought back all the memories I have had when they both lived here. I'm so grateful in the fact that I was able to find a place where they could continue having their own rooms.  

Almost 9 years ago, my landlady decided she was going to sell this house and would I be interested?  Of course!  The only thing was that I had no real savings to put down on anything, and then she took forever to tell me the price. I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful friend who is a realtor and found me a loan with no money down, low closing costs and no PMI. With that information, I started looking at other places in case my landlady came back with a price too high for me.  My girls and I looked at 3 bedroom places, and even 2 bedroom places. Because there was a chance I couldn't afford a 3 bedroom condo/townhouse.  But alas, my landlady came back with a price that worked perfectly for me and I was fortunate enough that my girls and I stayed here.

So when I look at this view I still see the way their rooms were decorated when they still lived here (this is DEFINITELY now how it looked back then) and the life we have had here together.  About two years after actually getting to call this place my own, my oldest moved out, having graduated college and secured herself a job where she was able to support herself.

And in January of this year, my youngest moved out, after having graduated and securing a job to support herself as well.  I knew the time was coming and I had been worrying about living alone and being lonely without either one of my daughters living here.  But I also knew that my job as a mom was also to raise them to be able to live on their own and create their lives.

So I did what I always to and plan.  One has become a guest bedroom and the other one is my craft/little people collection room. I already have friends and family planning to come and visit.

So now I'm in the "empty nester" phase of my life.  And so far?  It's been great!  I can decorate it however I want, I can do whatever I want and work to make it a place of tranquility and also a place where my daughters are always welcome.

Yes, there are still a few times where I miss them, but this morning was a time for reflecting the memories in this house when we all lived here together, and smiling about it.

A Journey of the Past

 Over 39 years ago, I was sitting in the living room with my mom and we were talking.  This talk was different than normal ones, as we talked about her life and things had happened back then.  I was 18 years old when this conversation took place.

She started asking me about my teenage years. Not in any accusatory tones, just curious.

As the conversations went on, she shared a secret with me. She had been pregnant twice before I was born. Both of the pregnancies resulted in a male child.   And both of those male babies were given up for adoption. She told me that she wanted me to know in case either one of them came looking for her and showed up on our doorstep.  (They never did). Talk about a shocker of a secret!

As the conversation continued, she revealed to me that my grandparents basically forced her to go to a home for unwed mothers (It was called the Florence Crittendon Home for Unwed Mothers) the first pregnancy.  She then gave the baby up for adoption.

As for the second pregnancy, she didn't go into a home for unwed mothers, but she did give the baby up for adoption as well.  She told me that the paperwork was still at my grandparents house and so the next time we went over there, we looked for it, but the paperwork was no longer there.  My grandma must have gotten rid of it.

I wasn't provided intricate details, and sometimes I wondered why I never asked.  I think maybe I was in shock from what she told me and wanted to provide the support for her. 39 years later and 39 years of growing up, I sometimes wish I would have asked her.  Was it consentual? What happened? What was life for her like back then?

Ever since then I had always wondered about those two baby boys.  What did they look like?  Did they resemble mom?  How could I ever go about finding them?  The only thing I knew was their years of birth.  The first one was born in 1963, and the 2nd one was born either 1965 or 1966.  Not much to go on, eh?

Almost 21 years ago, my mom passed away.  Life went on.  I had even worked for a private investigator for 14 years once.  Never was able to figure out any information.  I did have conversations with one of my aunts.  She was able to give me a little bit of information regarding that time.  Little by little I was able to obtain pieces of the past.

I even did an Ancestry DNA test, in the hopes that maybe one of them had done it as well and I would be able to find them that way.  No such luck.  I joined an Adoption group on Facebook.  It was there that I found an "Adoption Angel" who helps people track down adopted parents, siblings, etc.

That, along with the scattered bits of information, I was able to narrow down the search.  There was one male, who I thought was him.  The first one. I sent a letter. He messaged me on FB. We talked. Turns out it wasn't him. But he did offer some suggestions and that was really kind of him.

Back to the drawing board.

I had to figure out a way to narrow down the timeline of when she was pregnant.

One of my sisters and I often shared momentos that we had of our mom.  She sent me a picture of a class schedule that our mom had filled out in December 1962.  Wait, what?  She went to Junior College?  I never remembered that!  Fast forward to Summer of this year.  I had to request my transcripts for my transfer to a CSU college that I am attending in the fall.   I then remembered that my mom had gone to college from that schedule my sister sent me.  

So I requested my mom's transcripts from that college she went to and found information!  She had attended that college from Fall of 1961 through Spring of 1964. 3 years she went to that college.  Except for one semester.   Fall of 1963.  She withdrew all of her classes that semester, but returned that Spring of 1964.  That HAD to be it. Then I started looking through old photo albums.  What was the chance that there was a picture of her during that time?  Even if there was a slim chance I had to look.  And I found it. I found one picture of her in the Fall of 1963. Her face was much more round than normal.  Her top was loose. You weren't able to actually see her belly, but I have seen pictures of my mom pregnant with me at 4 months and even then, (her 3rd pregnancy), you can't really tell that she was pregnant.

So Fall/early Winter of 1963.   I had narrowed down the timeline.  The Adoption Angel found one pregnancy in which a male child was born to a woman with the same last name as my mom's name. Right around Christmas.  My aunt had told me that one of the babies was born around Christmas.   The pieces fit.  This had to be the correct one.

I sent him a letter. Again with my contact information.  

Wednesday, June 18th a 2:23, I received a phone call. From him. He got my letter.  We talked. He told me the city that he knew he was born in.  It was the same city that my mom gave birth in. That was a confirmation for me.

He agreed to a DNA test, and so I gifted him an Ancestry DNA test (since I was already on there). 

Friday, July 25, 2025, the results came in, showing, in fact, that he is my 1/2 brother.

Now we start the journey of learning about each other. Of me providing answers to any and all questions he has. Introducing him to other family members.

The journey going forward is uncertain, but at the start of this journey my reasons for doing this have been perfectly clear.  To see if he looks like mom and answer any questions he has.  If he chooses to want to continue a relationship, I will oblige.  If he doesn't, then I can respect that.

And by the way, he does have a resemblance to my uncle, my mom's brother.   So the resemblance is there.

One down, One to Go.

Small House Living

 Tiny Homes are the new rage for people wanting to downsize and cut back on their expenses.

Do a lot of people collect way more than what they actually need?  Absolutely.  Am I one of those people?  Yep!   

Every so often I will go through my stuff and declutter.  Even after "decluttering" I know I have more than I need to have.

I've been watching tiny home videos on YouTube lately, as one of my dearest friends has been contemplating living in a tiny home one day.  I think these homes are absolutely adorable and they really make you keep less clutter in your home.

Watching these videos definitely inspire me to keep decluttering.  Plus, one day I don't want my children to have to go through so much crap in my house.  But that's not to say that I still can't get rid of a lot of it.  I have a couple of collections that I have, but I am in the process of creating a spreadsheet so when that time comes, they will know how much to sell it for <grin>

Back to small house living.......

I grew up in a 1 bedroom duplex with my mom, my two sisters and myself.   1 bedroom, 1 bathroom (can you even imagine? 4 girls and 1 bathroom!).  My two sisters and myself slept in the bedroom and my mom slept in the living room on the couch that pulled out to a bed.  Her dresser was in the living room and she got a wardrobe eventually to hang her clothes.

In the bedroom there was a trundle bed and a bunk bed.  Me, being the oldest I chose the upper bunk.  My mom hung a shelf up there so that I could display my things.  The bunk bed encompassed a small closet, 4 dresser drawers and a small bookshelf next to the lower bed.  The bunk bed itself was L-shaped.   When we got that bunk bed I was so excited, because I got to have my very own closet, and 2 of the drawers were all mine.  (When you share a room with others, being able to have your own "space" is extremely important.) My mom even let me put up posters of musicians in my room, including a poster of Prince in a leopard speedo (can you even imagine that today, with my younger sisters in the room? LOL)

I can still picture that bedroom. There was a small cubby as well in which my stereo was placed upon it, another small cubby for a TV that we eventually got, and even a little table and chairs for my sisters.  My mom was extremely creative in organizing so that we were able to maximize the space.  The closet ended up being for my two sisters, along with their toys.

The living room encompassed the couch (which was my mom's bed at night), a stereo cabinet where we could listen to records, a TV stand for the TV, a desk (which each one of us took turns using as we got older), my mom's dresser and armoire.  There was a coffee table and and end table as well. (My sister and I love looking through old pictures and looking at the background of the picture to see the surroundings we grew up in.

Eventually my mom purchased a washer and dryer that was able to fit in a utility closet in the kitchen.  We originally had a table and chairs in the "dining room" area of the kitchen, but I can't remember if it broke or we never used it that much (we seemed to eat at the coffee table most of the time).  I do remember once that I wanted my own room so bad, that we moved the table and chairs into the living room and I created my own "nook" in the kitchen for my "bedroom".  I think that lasted about a week or two and I wanted to go back into the bedroom.  Eventually my mom got a "bar" that replaced the table and chairs, and it was used for storage.   She also had a bakers rack and some other knick knacks in that area.   The kitchen itself was decent, however the cabinets only were on the back wall.

Looking back and how little we had, compared to all of my friends (all my close friends were only children and they all had their own rooms), there were definitely hard times.  But my mom worked hard to provide for us.  She worked full time and yet still had time to make clothes for us when we were younger, decorate the house for the holidays with what little decorations we had, and provide us with every ounce of love she had for us.   It was definitely hard for her, and you know the saying "it takes a village"?  Well she was very lucky to have that.   We had wonderful neighbors, grandparents who lived close by, and aunts and uncle who were close by as well.

And maybe, because I had so little back then, I feel like "needing" more at times.  I am lucky in the fact that I was able to buy a townhouse for me and my two daughters.  And given the fact that I am a "homeowner" now, when I find things for great prices or things that I think I MIGHT need in the future (such as home improvement items), I'm apt to pick them up.

Within the next year or so, I will become an "empty nester". I feel by then I will definitely declutter more and more, but also work on making it even more inviting so that guests will want to come stay with me so I'm not so lonely, lol.

While the tiny house idea seems very inviting, my goal is to retire here and have my mortgage paid off by then.  We shall see what happens.  And honestly, my townhouse is about 1100 sq ft, so it's not like it's all THAT big anyway

Holidays - 2024

It's almost Christmas.  10 more days until Christmas.

Christmas has ALWAYS been special to my family.  I remember when I was young.  On Christmas Eve, all the aunts and uncle and cousins would show up at my grandparents house.  It was always a good time.  Getting to see family is what really made it special.  The house was bursting with conversation and laughter and chili.  I truly miss those Christmases and treasure each and every memory I have from then.

My mom and my sisters and I always woke up on Christmas morning at my grandparents house as well.  My grandpa loved waking us up to see what "Santa" brought us.  I think he also loved it because it was the one of a few times a year that he got to have everyone awake as early has he always was (he was always an early riser). Pictures of us with my grandparents as well as my Aunt Lori and Uncle Dan in the den opening presents were plentiful over the years.

My two sisters and I were raised by my mom.  She always did what she could to make it as special as she could, as money was always tight with my mom.  One year, she stayed up until well after we went to bed to make clothes and pajamas and such for us.  She would literally lay it on top of us as we slept to make sure it fit.  

I remember one year in Junior High, name brand jeans were the "in" thing, and so she had everyone get me a pair of them so I would be "in style" like the rest of era.  Like I said, she always did what she could to make it special. Another year, I remember getting a photo album and I'm like "uh, okay great, a photo album".  And then I saw my sister opening her photo album (I honestly thought it was a blank one) and it was filled with pictures of her!   So of course I opened mine and sure enough, mine was filled with pictures of me.   It truly was one of THE MOST SPECIAL presents I had ever gotten from her.   Something that cost only the price of the album itself and then filling it with so many memories.

As we became adults and being able to purchase presents for our mom, it was definitely a struggle at times, trying to get her gifts we knew she would love.  She loved the dog Odie from the Garfield cartoon and so I happened to find these oversized Odie slippers for her.  I literally had never heard her laugh so hard with such joy as she opened that present.

My Christmas tree is filled with memories.  A few ornaments that were my grandmas (I always loved to put up her fake tree and decorate it growing up and put the Christmas train around the tree - which, by the way is now in the hands of my sister, Heidi, as my nephew, D, loves trains and I knew they would enjoy it more than me now) - sorry off topic - and a few that were my mom's, including my gold macaroni ornament that I made in elementary school.  I feel my Christmas tree is a culmination of the past and present, also including ornaments gifted to me from my email mom's group that is almost 30 years old now and we still stay in contact.

On the 19th of December it will be 20 years since my mom passed away.  Literally so much has happened in 20 years.  And while, for the most part I realize that it has been 20 years since we lost Mom, and I'm okay, sometimes the memories flood back and sadness overcomes me. But the wonderful memories I have of my Christmases with her will always bring me joy.

For anyone who reads this just always try and remember the good times and the wonderful joy you can bring to your friends and loved ones and appreciate your circles, and always try to be kind to that stranger who might just be having a bad day.

"Gotcha Month"

 

On my FB memories, it came up that today was the day that the girls and I got our dog, Gemma.   Her previous owner was unable to keep her any longer and we became the lucky recipients of Gemma.

As I have been thinking about this month, a lot happened in the month of October 2017.  Not only did our family get a new dog, but an old acquaintance came back into my life.  7 years later, he's still here.

7 years ago I realized things that I wanted in my life and things that I didn't want in my life.   This is my Gotcha Month for more than just Gemma.