I’ve Got This

(This is an essay I wrote in my English class in Fall of 2023)

    The simple act of wanting to become a mom can sound so trivial. Being responsible for raising a human being and providing the guidance to help that child become a great asset to the world is a full-time job in itself. That desire and yearning for me to become a mom to provide that was something that I felt needed to be fulfilled in my life.

    The exact moment in time when that notion filled my head is a blur, however I do believe it was at some point in high school. It’s entirely possible that it occurred either when my friends and I were either partaking in underage drinking or when each friend was grounded after being caught in said drinking escapades, or both. I do remember making a mental note to myself of how I felt at that moment and how I wanted to remember it for when I had children to hopefully relate to that time in a teenagers life.

    My life seemed vastly different than my group of friends’ lives. I only had a mom in the household. No father. My friends were only children, and I had to share a room with two sisters. I felt like the odd one out in my group. But as I knew more about my friends’ parents, I realized my difference was a good thing. Even though my mom was raising three daughters all by herself, I felt there was more love, compassion and understanding in my household than any of my friends had with two parents. Maybe I’m also biased. While my friends wore the styles of the season, I had enough clothes to last me the full week and not much more. Meals were sometimes very simple, but my sisters and I felt like we won the jackpot at dinners when we just got peaches and cottage cheese for dinner. Holiday decorations were simple but memorable. My mom worked her best to make each occasion special. 

    The yearning to become a mom led me down the path of research. I observed just about every female that played a part in my life and took notes of certain aspects I wanted to use for myself when I became a mom. My mom was at the tip top of the list with asterisks all around. The compassion, love, kindness and acceptance she showed for everyone was a key factor in my own development and training for becoming a mom. One aunt of mine, only 8 years older than me, has always enjoyed life to the fullest and is always willing to embark on an adventure. Another aunt of mine, along with her husband and five children, had her house filled with cursing and witty sarcasm that flowed through the house like lava. My best friend’s mom always emulated a sense of independence and strength. I took note of all of these and tucked them aside to put to use later in my life.

    In my early twenties, the man who I thought would be my forever person married me and helped to provide the starting point for the two children in our lives. My first daughter made her entrance into our world and joy overflowed my whole heart and mind. When we brought her home from the hospital he was so extremely nervous. He wanted one of us to be awake at all times in case something happened to her. I was the polar opposite and quite calm. In my mind I thought, “I’ve got this”. He was enlisted in the Navy and there were many times where he was out to sea for over six months during our marriage, leaving me to raise my children myself during that time. There is a term called “mother’s intuition”, wherein a mother listens to her instincts and acts accordingly. That intuition provided me with good instincts over the years.

    The fairytale dream of being married with two kids, a house and a dog made its way through the course of our marriage, but ultimately marriage statistics invaded our lives, among other aspects, and I was left being the main caregiver. I did have practice after all, with those many months of him being out to sea, but it was still a bit different knowing that it was going to happen on a constant basis. I was nervous about the financial aspect of being divorced, but in my head I said, “I’ve got this”. I wasn’t going to end up like my mom and raise my children financially on my own. Research is apparently something I use as a tool frequently, and I was able to go the legal way and get secure financial help from their father towards raising my two daughters.

    Newly divorced, back to working a full-time job, and having to place my youngest daughter in after school care, a new modified version of our life made its way through the years. It was a change for us, but along with those qualities I used to mold myself as a mom, I used my own memories as the daughter of a single mom to help myself go forward. My mom was no longer alive to ask questions, and there were many times I would cry to myself wishing I had her alive to help support me emotionally. I was lucky enough to have friends that provided that emotional support.

    Within a year and a half of going back to work full-time, a better job opportunity presented itself in my life and I was able to be a present figure in their lives during sporting and school events, and the ability to take them to doctor and dentist appointments. Facebook memories have reminded me of the multitude of soccer, softball, track, swimming and school events that enveloped our daily lives. My mom rarely had the opportunity to attend such events when I was in school because of her work schedule, so I was extremely grateful for the job that gave me the flexibility. As hectic as things got while raising my daughters and juggling schedules, there was always that voice in the back of my mind saying, “I’ve got this”.

    Financially it was a struggle for a while, however opportunities kept presenting themselves in my life. Being raised with little luxury items growing up, led me to always be concerned about financial security. I started a side business of portrait photography that led to a solid customer base for 11 years. An opportunity to purchase the rental I was in, seemed impossible, however the friends that surrounded me helped to provide guidance and steer me towards making that goal possible. As a single parent, I was able to provide my daughters and myself with a place that we could truly call our own, and allowed me to check off another item in my list of succeeding as a mom and hopefully provide a good role model to my daughters.

    After choosing to eliminate my side photography business, I was now left with a lot more time on my hands. My oldest had graduated college and lived out on her own. My youngest was starting her junior year of college. The pandemic created the opportunity for me to work from home the majority of the time, even post-pandemic. In the back of my mind I had always wanted to return to college and one day get my degree, but as time dragged on into many years of taking care of my children, that thought had been lost in the daily, monthly and yearly happenings in my life. With this new found time on my hands, the wheels started spinning in my head. Once again, research took its hold on me. I chose to take a summer class and realized I wasn’t as old as I thought and my brain was still working pretty well. Technology has allowed me to obtain my education online. I told my girls about my goal to get my bachelor’s degree and said, “I want you to be proud of me”. They told me they’ve always been proud of me as their mom and how I have always been there for them. “You’ve got this Mom”. Hearing from my girls how proud they already are of me for what I’ve done for them encouraged me even more. I’ve got this, and it turns out “I’ve always had this”.

Anxiety is the WORST!

 Worrying about medical things about me gives me such major anxiety.   I could be absolutely fine one day and then if people start talking about medical issues, more specifically about strokes or heart problems and my heart starts racing and my blood pressure gets high.

I have literally taken my blood pressure every couple of days for the past few weeks and it's been absolutely fine.

I also have this "white lab coat syndrome" where most of the time when I go see a doctor to have my blood pressure taken it's high.   Which causes them to have me come back in a month.  Or every month.  I know they are worried about it and I definitely appreciate them worrying about it and that's why I go.  I want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible.

I have been walking daily, wearing a weighted belt, dancing around the house at times, using ankle weights to help me and I'll be just fine and then someone brings up medical issues and it goes bezerk.

WHY?!  WHY?!  Why can't I relax enough?!  Why can't I know that I'm doing good?!  Why does my anxiety just suddenly happen like that?

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, thank goodness, so hopefully by talking about it more will help me as well.

Maybe its because other things have been contributing to my anxiety this week as well?

I have a LOT of schoolwork this week and I always worry that I won't have enough time to do it, yet I always end up having the time and I get it done in time.

So why am I worrying about that?

Someone dear to me is getting their 6 month CTscan for cancer on Friday.  Maybe I'm worried about that as well.  It does always worry me.

I've been on top of things for the most part around the house as well.  I even went for an extra walk this afternoon even though it was quite warm out.

Maybe I need to do more exercising to help wear me out as well.  I don't know....... 

UGH!  This just really sucks!

Cancer Sucks!

 Cancer sucks in every way shape and form.

Yes, nowadays there are so many more treatments out there and more and more people are able to have successful surgeries and treatments to be "cured" of cancer and go into remission.

Then there are the ones that don't get cured.  Signs show up when it's too late do really do anything. And that's the hardest part.

My brother died of cancer at 39.  I was 24. I had only known him for a few years (1/2 brother, met when I was 19).   My ex's uncle died a few years ago.  He got through a first bout and then it reared its ugly head and came back strong.

I've seen casual friends who have had breast cancer and have beat it.  I have a loved one who has gone through FIVE different surgeries for cancer in different parts of their body.

I have a dear, dear friend, who is going through it now, and and another dear friend's husband who is going through it now.    Their prognosis' are not good.   Both are having treatments to extend their time.

Time.

We take it for granted at times.

I'm sad.  I'm so incredibly sad that they are going through this and the outcome is not good.   I plan on going to visit my friend to make memories with her. That's what I have to call it.   I want to go do it, but yet I also don't want to go do it, because I know I won't see her ever again after that.

I visited a great aunt almost 7 years ago because I was told she was getting up there in age and didn't know how much more time she had left.  She had outlived her husband, she beat ovarian cancer in her 80's. She was 87 at the time I visited her.  I made the most out of every minute I was there with her.  We both loved geneology so we talked a lot about that.  She was quite the spitfire too.   A few years after I visited her she came down with renal cancer.   Because of her age, immunotherapy was the only treatment for her (or so I have been told).  The last time I talked to her on the phone (a few weeks before she passed away) she told me she was ready.  She had lived such a long life and it was okay for her to go.  She died a few weeks before her 91st birthday.

I am extremely grateful for the memories I got to have with her and I need to keep thinking of it this way for my friend as well.  She was there for me when I was first married.  She was in the delivery room when I was in labor with my first daughter.  If her name hadn't sounded so weird with our last name, her name would have been my daughter's middle name.  Although now that I think about it, I think it would have been just fine.  I mean how often do you call your child by their full name (usually only when in trouble).  

I want to be there for my other friend as well, who is going through it with her husband.  

It's just so incredibly sad.

And I'm so sad too for them.

Honestly, I wrote this down so I could get it out somehow.

The Trials and Tribulations of Menopause

That dreaded word........Menopause.

For some, it's a relief.  No more periods.  At least that's what we all look forward to when we hear the term menopause, right?!

Little do we all know the multitude of other symptoms that come along with it.

First, we women go through what's called "Peri-Menopause". This can last many, many years.

It's what happens when we first starting having irregular periods, and the dreaded "hot flashes" and "night sweats".  It truly is a bitch, I tell you.

Oh, and then there's the increased anxiety that comes along with it, as well as an emotional roller coaster like you've never been on.

One time I was having dinner with my daughters and my oldest was talking about something, I can't even remember what it was, but it drew some emotion out to me, and she was like, "You're not going to cry now mom, are you?"  And I'm like, "NOOOOO", and of course my eyes started welling up with tears.  Literally out of nowhere.

I remember one time my mom was going through it (the few things I do remember about her going through it).  My sisters and I thought it would be a nice thing to actually clean up the house and vaccuum like she often asked us to do.   So we got in there and vaccuumed the place as best as we could.  When she came home, she looked and literally yelled at us "Why didn't you vaccuum like I asked you to!!!"  My sisters and I looked at each other dumbfounded.   Because we actually DID vaccuum.  My mom went outside on the porch, sat there and cried.  And then at some point she got up and left in her car!  I had no idea where she went and with me being the oldest sister started literally wondering if I would have to go get a job to support me and my sisters because I didn't knnow if she was going to come back! (She did come back).   There was a time I had to go to the store to get her pads and tampons because she was literally bleeding through them and ran out.  But other than that, I don't remember her talking about it all that much or knowing too much about it.    When I went through it, I really wish I had here there to talk to me about it.

I did have my aunt (she is 9 years older than me) but I don't think her journey was that intense.

Who I did have was my friends.   Especially my oldest and dearest friend who we have been friends with since we were 10.  She had gone through it before I did and when I asked her how she handled the hot flashes she said, "I welcomed them".  I was like, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!   Then she explained it to me.   She told me that our bodies are meant to go through this cycle in our lives and the more we welcome it, the less intense it would be.

Since that time, when I did have them, I didn't fight them.  I didn't get angry or frustrated that I had them.  I let them happen.  Sure, I had my fans on me (and portable ones with me at all times), and layers of clothing that I could strip off to help me cool down as well as hair ties to put my hair up.

It's been a few years since I was in the midst of them, but I still get them occasionally.  I have found that when I get anxious about something, the temperature in my body heats up and I get the occasional hot flash.  Nothing like it used to be. (Although summer is coming up, so they may get a little more frequent with the warmer weather).

I've also changed my diet over the years because of it as well.  I've learned that sugar can contribute to the hot flashes, so I have cut out a lot of it over the years, plus it's healthier for me as well. (I have IBS but I'll get into that story another time).  I also quit drinking.  I was NEVER that much of a drinker (unless you count high school and my early 20's) so quitting it was not a hard thing to do.  I have a family history over over using alcohol (and even an alcoholic here and there) and it always made me very aware of my drinking. (again, another story for a later time).

I had a uterine ablation in my mid 40's.  I had ALWAYS had heavy periods and it got so bad at one point that I had to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes (and of course it happened when I was hosting a baby shower for a friend).  That procedure helped me not to have to deal with that anymore going through peri-menopause to the onset of menopause.

When I was in my very early 50's I went 6 months without a period and I was like "YES!"  I'm done!  And then NOPE! I had another one.   Within a year and a half of that, I finally went through the "12 months without a period" and could officially say that I was in menopause.  No more periods.  Hot flashes, yes, but the periods were gone.  No more eggs.

I have realized that with social media nowadays, my generation, (fondly called Generation X) is being so much more vocal about menopause. And the symptoms, and suggestions, and help and more women just talking about it in general.  This makes me happy because this means (or at least I hope it will mean) that it won't be a taboo to talk about, and my girls will not be so "left in the dark" when it happens. And they can be prepared (education wise, no one is ever prepared for the roller coaster it takes you on) and the support of doctors and their fellow friends who embark on the journey as well.

Because let's face it, going through ANYTHING alone is not fun (not that going through it with a bunch a friends is a party, but at least they can all commiserate together).

Almost 9 years later......

 Wow......I went back and looked at the last time I wrote on this blog and it was almost NINE YEARS AGO!   A lot has DEFINITELY happened since then.

Update:

Almost 12 years ago, I moved into in a new place.  I'm still here.  Except for the fact that 7 years ago, my landlady SOLD me the place!  I never thought I would have been able to buy it, but I had some really great friends to help guide me in the direction to be able to buy it.

I wish I would say the same for my relationship with my former husband in the fact that things stayed the same.  Unfortunately they did not. Time happens, life happens and without going into too much details, it's just the way it is.  I wish him well in his life, along with his side of the family. and always do have the hope that a friendship or at least better civility would happen again.  Only time will tell.

Still at the same job. Almost 13 years now.

My oldest?  Graduated college, went to paralegal school and is now a paralegal for the city with benefits and all!  I love this for her!

My youngest?  She is getting ready to start her last year of college.  It's been a road of ups and downs but that's how life is, and she is doing so well right now.

Me?  Not too shabby.  A year ago I restarted my journey of obtaining a college degree.   I have a full year of classes under my belt and am ready to start my next year of college.  My goal is to hopefully get my bachelors in Accounting before I turn 60, which is less than 4 years away.

That wonderful man?  Not so much.  Apparently it was NOT meant to be.

But that's how life happens and someone else came into my life and it's been almost 7 years now and it's been pretty awesome.  It's a relationship like I've never had before.  We knew each other before we started dating and so a friendship was there before.  I also know what I want and what I DON'T want and am not afraid to speak up for myself.  

Photography?  Well, after 12 years of my side hustle business, I retired from it 2 years ago.  It was just too much.  I had a lot going on in my life around the times of my busy season and it just wasn't rewarding to me anymore.  I still will occasionally do it if I feel like it for friends and family.

Crocheting?  That has gone wayside as well.  It strained my shoulder and wrist too much.  I suppose after crocheting for almost 40 years, it just took it's toll on me.  My youngest crochets now though, so I'm loving that!

My goal in coming back to this blog is to start it up again.  To tell my stories.  To leave these words for my daughters and me.

3 Years Later

This morning on my way to work I was thinking about this blog.   When I logged into it, I realized that it has been almost 3 years since I wrote on here!

So much has happened since then!

I love to look back and read what I wrote back then.   I love to see where I am now, versus where I was back then.

And even if no one else reads this, it's okay.  It's my life journey.

4 1/2 years ago I decided to start this blog.   As a change from my previous blog, (mostly because the blog's title no longer applied to me:  Thoughts Of A Mostly Stay At Home Mom.

Wow, 4 1/2  years ago.  I looked back through some of the blog posts.   Wow.  How much has progressed!

The last time I wrote, I had barely moved into my new place.   I'm still here.  I love my place.

I'm officially divorced.  Have been for over a year and a half.  And you know what?  He and I get along great now.  Who would have thought?   We are friends.   It took a long time coming after the separation, but at least we both moved forward.  After being with someone for 18 years, sharing 2 children, it's always better for everyone if exes get along.   I know it doesn't always happen, but luckily it works fine for us.  

I remember a long time ago, seeing these two people, who were exes who got along great for the sake of their daughter.   Hell, even her new husband coached with her ex-husband!   I always remembered that and told myself that if I ever did get divorced that I would want to strive for that type of relationship were exes got along.

I still go to his parents for Christmas celebrations.  I'm still friends with all of his side of the family.  After all, they were my family too for so long.    Some people might think its weird or awkard, but it has never been that way for me.  

Okay, enough reminiscing.  Let's move forward:

I just celebrated my 4th anniversary at my job.  I still love it here.  It's my work family here.

My girls.   Wow, I am constantly amazed at how wonderful they are.  My oldest just started her junior year of college.  Already?!  It amazes me how awesome she is.  (Okay yes, and sassy too, for those that know her, lol)

My youngest?  Well, she just started 8th grade, is on ASB, and cheers for Pop Warner football.  What??!  My baby who would barely talk to people?  This girl is coming out of her shell in a good way!

Me?  Ahhh, yes.  Me.

I still love my life.

I have an AMAZING man in my life.  He rocks my world.

My photography?  Wow, I am so grateful for all the people who choose to have me photograph important moments in their lives.  And their children's lives.   Every year I get more and more clients.  And this is just a side business for me!

Crocheting.  Another side business I have.  Since my photography has taken off, the crochet side has suffered some, but that's okay.  I had to take a break for six months anyway, as I was starting to get tendonitis in my left hand.  OUCH.

Finding that balance in my life has not been easy and sometimes it's still not easy.  

But I make it work.  Because I choose to.

And I'm happy.

Settling In

a little over 2 months ago, I moved in my new place.

Renting again after 10 years.

I don't look at it as a step backwards, however.

For me, it's a step forward.

To me.

I love my new place.

The first night I stood in my living room, amidst boxes and I cried.

I cried tears of joy.

My OWN place.

My cozy place for me and my girls.

Finally.

And, while, after 2 months, it's not completely the way I want it, it's coming along.

And ever day I come home, or wake up, I fall in love with my place.

Because it's something I have worked towards.

It seems like the past two years, I have worked towards many goals.

Many goals are being obtained.

But still many more have yet to be fulfilled.

A work in progress.

Always a work in progress.

And you have to be okay with that.

And I am.

And in the past two years, I have learned more patience in those two years, than I have in my whole life.