Thursday, July 17, 2025

Small House Living

 Tiny Homes are the new rage for people wanting to downsize and cut back on their expenses.

Do a lot of people collect way more than what they actually need?  Absolutely.  Am I one of those people?  Yep!   

Every so often I will go through my stuff and declutter.  Even after "decluttering" I know I have more than I need to have.

I've been watching tiny home videos on YouTube lately, as one of my dearest friends has been contemplating living in a tiny home one day.  I think these homes are absolutely adorable and they really make you keep less clutter in your home.

Watching these videos definitely inspire me to keep decluttering.  Plus, one day I don't want my children to have to go through so much crap in my house.  But that's not to say that I still can't get rid of a lot of it.  I have a couple of collections that I have, but I am in the process of creating a spreadsheet so when that time comes, they will know how much to sell it for <grin>

Back to small house living.......

I grew up in a 1 bedroom duplex with my mom, my two sisters and myself.   1 bedroom, 1 bathroom (can you even imagine? 4 girls and 1 bathroom!).  My two sisters and myself slept in the bedroom and my mom slept in the living room on the couch that pulled out to a bed.  Her dresser was in the living room and she got a wardrobe eventually to hang her clothes.

In the bedroom there was a trundle bed and a bunk bed.  Me, being the oldest I chose the upper bunk.  My mom hung a shelf up there so that I could display my things.  The bunk bed encompassed a small closet, 4 dresser drawers and a small bookshelf next to the lower bed.  The bunk bed itself was L-shaped.   When we got that bunk bed I was so excited, because I got to have my very own closet, and 2 of the drawers were all mine.  (When you share a room with others, being able to have your own "space" is extremely important.) My mom even let me put up posters of musicians in my room, including a poster of Prince in a leopard speedo (can you even imagine that today, with my younger sisters in the room? LOL)

I can still picture that bedroom. There was a small cubby as well in which my stereo was placed upon it, another small cubby for a TV that we eventually got, and even a little table and chairs for my sisters.  My mom was extremely creative in organizing so that we were able to maximize the space.  The closet ended up being for my two sisters, along with their toys.

The living room encompassed the couch (which was my mom's bed at night), a stereo cabinet where we could listen to records, a TV stand for the TV, a desk (which each one of us took turns using as we got older), my mom's dresser and armoire.  There was a coffee table and and end table as well. (My sister and I love looking through old pictures and looking at the background of the picture to see the surroundings we grew up in.

Eventually my mom purchased a washer and dryer that was able to fit in a utility closet in the kitchen.  We originally had a table and chairs in the "dining room" area of the kitchen, but I can't remember if it broke or we never used it that much (we seemed to eat at the coffee table most of the time).  I do remember once that I wanted my own room so bad, that we moved the table and chairs into the living room and I created my own "nook" in the kitchen for my "bedroom".  I think that lasted about a week or two and I wanted to go back into the bedroom.  Eventually my mom got a "bar" that replaced the table and chairs, and it was used for storage.   She also had a bakers rack and some other knick knacks in that area.   The kitchen itself was decent, however the cabinets only were on the back wall.

Looking back and how little we had, compared to all of my friends (all my close friends were only children and they all had their own rooms), there were definitely hard times.  But my mom worked hard to provide for us.  She worked full time and yet still had time to make clothes for us when we were younger, decorate the house for the holidays with what little decorations we had, and provide us with every ounce of love she had for us.   It was definitely hard for her, and you know the saying "it takes a village"?  Well she was very lucky to have that.   We had wonderful neighbors, grandparents who lived close by, and aunts and uncle who were close by as well.

And maybe, because I had so little back then, I feel like "needing" more at times.  I am lucky in the fact that I was able to buy a townhouse for me and my two daughters.  And given the fact that I am a "homeowner" now, when I find things for great prices or things that I think I MIGHT need in the future (such as home improvement items), I'm apt to pick them up.

Within the next year or so, I will become an "empty nester". I feel by then I will definitely declutter more and more, but also work on making it even more inviting so that guests will want to come stay with me so I'm not so lonely, lol.

While the tiny house idea seems very inviting, my goal is to retire here and have my mortgage paid off by then.  We shall see what happens.  And honestly, my townhouse is about 1100 sq ft, so it's not like it's all THAT big anyway

Monday, December 16, 2024

Holidays - 2024






It's almost Christmas.  10 more days until Christmas.

Christmas has ALWAYS been special to my family.  I remember when I was young.  On Christmas Eve, all the aunts and uncle and cousins would show up at my grandparents house.  It was always a good time.  Getting to see family is what really made it special.  The house was bursting with conversation and laughter and chili.  I truly miss those Christmases and treasure each and every memory I have from then.

My mom and my sisters and I always woke up on Christmas morning at my grandparents house as well.  My grandpa loved waking us up to see what "Santa" brought us.  I think he also loved it because it was the one of a few times a year that he got to have everyone awake as early has he always was (he was always an early riser). Pictures of us with my grandparents as well as my Aunt Lori and Uncle Dan in the den opening presents were plentiful over the years.

My two sisters and I were raised by my mom.  She always did what she could to make it as special as she could, as money was always tight with my mom.  One year, she stayed up until well after we went to bed to make clothes and pajamas and such for us.  She would literally lay it on top of us as we slept to make sure it fit.  

I remember one year in Junior High, name brand jeans were the "in" thing, and so she had everyone get me a pair of them so I would be "in style" like the rest of era.  Like I said, she always did what she could to make it special. Another year, I remember getting a photo album and I'm like "uh, okay great, a photo album".  And then I saw my sister opening her photo album (I honestly thought it was a blank one) and it was filled with pictures of her!   So of course I opened mine and sure enough, mine was filled with pictures of me.   It truly was one of THE MOST SPECIAL presents I had ever gotten from her.   Something that cost only the price of the album itself and then filling it with so many memories.

As we became adults and being able to purchase presents for our mom, it was definitely a struggle at times, trying to get her gifts we knew she would love.  She loved the dog Odie from the Garfield cartoon and so I happened to find these oversized Odie slippers for her.  I literally had never heard her laugh so hard with such joy as she opened that present.

My Christmas tree is filled with memories.  A few ornaments that were my grandmas (I always loved to put up her fake tree and decorate it growing up and put the Christmas train around the tree - which, by the way is now in the hands of my sister, Heidi, as my nephew, D, loves trains and I knew they would enjoy it more than me now) - sorry off topic - and a few that were my mom's, including my gold macaroni ornament that I made in elementary school.  I feel my Christmas tree is a culmination of the past and present, also including ornaments gifted to me from my email mom's group that is almost 30 years old now and we still stay in contact.

On the 19th of December it will be 20 years since my mom passed away.  Literally so much has happened in 20 years.  And while, for the most part I realize that it has been 20 years since we lost Mom, and I'm okay, sometimes the memories flood back and sadness overcomes me. But the wonderful memories I have of my Christmases with her will always bring me joy.

For anyone who reads this just always try and remember the good times and the wonderful joy you can bring to your friends and loved ones and appreciate your circles, and always try to be kind to that stranger who might just be having a bad day.


Thursday, October 24, 2024

"Gotcha Month"

 



On my FB memories, it came up that today was the day that the girls and I got our dog, Gemma.   Her previous owner was unable to keep her any longer and we became the lucky recipients of Gemma.

As I have been thinking about this month, a lot happened in the month of October 2017.  Not only did our family get a new dog, but an old acquaintance came back into my life.  7 years later, he's still here.

7 years ago I realized things that I wanted in my life and things that I didn't want in my life.   This is my Gotcha Month for more than just Gemma.



Tuesday, July 16, 2024

I’ve Got This


(This is an essay I wrote in my English class in Fall of 2023)

    The simple act of wanting to become a mom can sound so trivial. Being responsible for raising a human being and providing the guidance to help that child become a great asset to the world is a full-time job in itself. That desire and yearning for me to become a mom to provide that was something that I felt needed to be fulfilled in my life.

    The exact moment in time when that notion filled my head is a blur, however I do believe it was at some point in high school. It’s entirely possible that it occurred either when my friends and I were either partaking in underage drinking or when each friend was grounded after being caught in said drinking escapades, or both. I do remember making a mental note to myself of how I felt at that moment and how I wanted to remember it for when I had children to hopefully relate to that time in a teenagers life.

    My life seemed vastly different than my group of friends’ lives. I only had a mom in the household. No father. My friends were only children, and I had to share a room with two sisters. I felt like the odd one out in my group. But as I knew more about my friends’ parents, I realized my difference was a good thing. Even though my mom was raising three daughters all by herself, I felt there was more love, compassion and understanding in my household than any of my friends had with two parents. Maybe I’m also biased. While my friends wore the styles of the season, I had enough clothes to last me the full week and not much more. Meals were sometimes very simple, but my sisters and I felt like we won the jackpot at dinners when we just got peaches and cottage cheese for dinner. Holiday decorations were simple but memorable. My mom worked her best to make each occasion special. 

    The yearning to become a mom led me down the path of research. I observed just about every female that played a part in my life and took notes of certain aspects I wanted to use for myself when I became a mom. My mom was at the tip top of the list with asterisks all around. The compassion, love, kindness and acceptance she showed for everyone was a key factor in my own development and training for becoming a mom. One aunt of mine, only 8 years older than me, has always enjoyed life to the fullest and is always willing to embark on an adventure. Another aunt of mine, along with her husband and five children, had her house filled with cursing and witty sarcasm that flowed through the house like lava. My best friend’s mom always emulated a sense of independence and strength. I took note of all of these and tucked them aside to put to use later in my life.

    In my early twenties, the man who I thought would be my forever person married me and helped to provide the starting point for the two children in our lives. My first daughter made her entrance into our world and joy overflowed my whole heart and mind. When we brought her home from the hospital he was so extremely nervous. He wanted one of us to be awake at all times in case something happened to her. I was the polar opposite and quite calm. In my mind I thought, “I’ve got this”. He was enlisted in the Navy and there were many times where he was out to sea for over six months during our marriage, leaving me to raise my children myself during that time. There is a term called “mother’s intuition”, wherein a mother listens to her instincts and acts accordingly. That intuition provided me with good instincts over the years.

    The fairytale dream of being married with two kids, a house and a dog made its way through the course of our marriage, but ultimately marriage statistics invaded our lives, among other aspects, and I was left being the main caregiver. I did have practice after all, with those many months of him being out to sea, but it was still a bit different knowing that it was going to happen on a constant basis. I was nervous about the financial aspect of being divorced, but in my head I said, “I’ve got this”. I wasn’t going to end up like my mom and raise my children financially on my own. Research is apparently something I use as a tool frequently, and I was able to go the legal way and get secure financial help from their father towards raising my two daughters.

    Newly divorced, back to working a full-time job, and having to place my youngest daughter in after school care, a new modified version of our life made its way through the years. It was a change for us, but along with those qualities I used to mold myself as a mom, I used my own memories as the daughter of a single mom to help myself go forward. My mom was no longer alive to ask questions, and there were many times I would cry to myself wishing I had her alive to help support me emotionally. I was lucky enough to have friends that provided that emotional support.

    Within a year and a half of going back to work full-time, a better job opportunity presented itself in my life and I was able to be a present figure in their lives during sporting and school events, and the ability to take them to doctor and dentist appointments. Facebook memories have reminded me of the multitude of soccer, softball, track, swimming and school events that enveloped our daily lives. My mom rarely had the opportunity to attend such events when I was in school because of her work schedule, so I was extremely grateful for the job that gave me the flexibility. As hectic as things got while raising my daughters and juggling schedules, there was always that voice in the back of my mind saying, “I’ve got this”.

    Financially it was a struggle for a while, however opportunities kept presenting themselves in my life. Being raised with little luxury items growing up, led me to always be concerned about financial security. I started a side business of portrait photography that led to a solid customer base for 11 years. An opportunity to purchase the rental I was in, seemed impossible, however the friends that surrounded me helped to provide guidance and steer me towards making that goal possible. As a single parent, I was able to provide my daughters and myself with a place that we could truly call our own, and allowed me to check off another item in my list of succeeding as a mom and hopefully provide a good role model to my daughters.

    After choosing to eliminate my side photography business, I was now left with a lot more time on my hands. My oldest had graduated college and lived out on her own. My youngest was starting her junior year of college. The pandemic created the opportunity for me to work from home the majority of the time, even post-pandemic. In the back of my mind I had always wanted to return to college and one day get my degree, but as time dragged on into many years of taking care of my children, that thought had been lost in the daily, monthly and yearly happenings in my life. With this new found time on my hands, the wheels started spinning in my head. Once again, research took its hold on me. I chose to take a summer class and realized I wasn’t as old as I thought and my brain was still working pretty well. Technology has allowed me to obtain my education online. I told my girls about my goal to get my bachelor’s degree and said, “I want you to be proud of me”. They told me they’ve always been proud of me as their mom and how I have always been there for them. “You’ve got this Mom”. Hearing from my girls how proud they already are of me for what I’ve done for them encouraged me even more. I’ve got this, and it turns out “I’ve always had this”.

Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Anxiety is the WORST!

 Worrying about medical things about me gives me such major anxiety.   I could be absolutely fine one day and then if people start talking about medical issues, more specifically about strokes or heart problems and my heart starts racing and my blood pressure gets high.

I have literally taken my blood pressure every couple of days for the past few weeks and it's been absolutely fine.

I also have this "white lab coat syndrome" where most of the time when I go see a doctor to have my blood pressure taken it's high.   Which causes them to have me come back in a month.  Or every month.  I know they are worried about it and I definitely appreciate them worrying about it and that's why I go.  I want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible.

I have been walking daily, wearing a weighted belt, dancing around the house at times, using ankle weights to help me and I'll be just fine and then someone brings up medical issues and it goes bezerk.

WHY?!  WHY?!  Why can't I relax enough?!  Why can't I know that I'm doing good?!  Why does my anxiety just suddenly happen like that?

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, thank goodness, so hopefully by talking about it more will help me as well.

Maybe its because other things have been contributing to my anxiety this week as well?

I have a LOT of schoolwork this week and I always worry that I won't have enough time to do it, yet I always end up having the time and I get it done in time.

So why am I worrying about that?

Someone dear to me is getting their 6 month CTscan for cancer on Friday.  Maybe I'm worried about that as well.  It does always worry me.

I've been on top of things for the most part around the house as well.  I even went for an extra walk this afternoon even though it was quite warm out.

Maybe I need to do more exercising to help wear me out as well.  I don't know....... 

UGH!  This just really sucks!

Saturday, June 22, 2024

Cancer Sucks!

 Cancer sucks in every way shape and form.

Yes, nowadays there are so many more treatments out there and more and more people are able to have successful surgeries and treatments to be "cured" of cancer and go into remission.

Then there are the ones that don't get cured.  Signs show up when it's too late do really do anything. And that's the hardest part.

My brother died of cancer at 39.  I was 24. I had only known him for a few years (1/2 brother, met when I was 19).   My ex's uncle died a few years ago.  He got through a first bout and then it reared its ugly head and came back strong.

I've seen casual friends who have had breast cancer and have beat it.  I have a loved one who has gone through FIVE different surgeries for cancer in different parts of their body.

I have a dear, dear friend, who is going through it now, and and another dear friend's husband who is going through it now.    Their prognosis' are not good.   Both are having treatments to extend their time.

Time.

We take it for granted at times.

I'm sad.  I'm so incredibly sad that they are going through this and the outcome is not good.   I plan on going to visit my friend to make memories with her. That's what I have to call it.   I want to go do it, but yet I also don't want to go do it, because I know I won't see her ever again after that.

I visited a great aunt almost 7 years ago because I was told she was getting up there in age and didn't know how much more time she had left.  She had outlived her husband, she beat ovarian cancer in her 80's. She was 87 at the time I visited her.  I made the most out of every minute I was there with her.  We both loved geneology so we talked a lot about that.  She was quite the spitfire too.   A few years after I visited her she came down with renal cancer.   Because of her age, immunotherapy was the only treatment for her (or so I have been told).  The last time I talked to her on the phone (a few weeks before she passed away) she told me she was ready.  She had lived such a long life and it was okay for her to go.  She died a few weeks before her 91st birthday.

I am extremely grateful for the memories I got to have with her and I need to keep thinking of it this way for my friend as well.  She was there for me when I was first married.  She was in the delivery room when I was in labor with my first daughter.  If her name hadn't sounded so weird with our last name, her name would have been my daughter's middle name.  Although now that I think about it, I think it would have been just fine.  I mean how often do you call your child by their full name (usually only when in trouble).  

I want to be there for my other friend as well, who is going through it with her husband.  

It's just so incredibly sad.

And I'm so sad too for them.

Honestly, I wrote this down so I could get it out somehow.

Thursday, June 13, 2024

The Trials and Tribulations of Menopause


That dreaded word........Menopause.

For some, it's a relief.  No more periods.  At least that's what we all look forward to when we hear the term menopause, right?!

Little do we all know the multitude of other symptoms that come along with it.

First, we women go through what's called "Peri-Menopause". This can last many, many years.

It's what happens when we first starting having irregular periods, and the dreaded "hot flashes" and "night sweats".  It truly is a bitch, I tell you.

Oh, and then there's the increased anxiety that comes along with it, as well as an emotional roller coaster like you've never been on.

One time I was having dinner with my daughters and my oldest was talking about something, I can't even remember what it was, but it drew some emotion out to me, and she was like, "You're not going to cry now mom, are you?"  And I'm like, "NOOOOO", and of course my eyes started welling up with tears.  Literally out of nowhere.

I remember one time my mom was going through it (the few things I do remember about her going through it).  My sisters and I thought it would be a nice thing to actually clean up the house and vaccuum like she often asked us to do.   So we got in there and vaccuumed the place as best as we could.  When she came home, she looked and literally yelled at us "Why didn't you vaccuum like I asked you to!!!"  My sisters and I looked at each other dumbfounded.   Because we actually DID vaccuum.  My mom went outside on the porch, sat there and cried.  And then at some point she got up and left in her car!  I had no idea where she went and with me being the oldest sister started literally wondering if I would have to go get a job to support me and my sisters because I didn't knnow if she was going to come back! (She did come back).   There was a time I had to go to the store to get her pads and tampons because she was literally bleeding through them and ran out.  But other than that, I don't remember her talking about it all that much or knowing too much about it.    When I went through it, I really wish I had here there to talk to me about it.

I did have my aunt (she is 9 years older than me) but I don't think her journey was that intense.

Who I did have was my friends.   Especially my oldest and dearest friend who we have been friends with since we were 10.  She had gone through it before I did and when I asked her how she handled the hot flashes she said, "I welcomed them".  I was like, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!   Then she explained it to me.   She told me that our bodies are meant to go through this cycle in our lives and the more we welcome it, the less intense it would be.

Since that time, when I did have them, I didn't fight them.  I didn't get angry or frustrated that I had them.  I let them happen.  Sure, I had my fans on me (and portable ones with me at all times), and layers of clothing that I could strip off to help me cool down as well as hair ties to put my hair up.

It's been a few years since I was in the midst of them, but I still get them occasionally.  I have found that when I get anxious about something, the temperature in my body heats up and I get the occasional hot flash.  Nothing like it used to be. (Although summer is coming up, so they may get a little more frequent with the warmer weather).

I've also changed my diet over the years because of it as well.  I've learned that sugar can contribute to the hot flashes, so I have cut out a lot of it over the years, plus it's healthier for me as well. (I have IBS but I'll get into that story another time).  I also quit drinking.  I was NEVER that much of a drinker (unless you count high school and my early 20's) so quitting it was not a hard thing to do.  I have a family history over over using alcohol (and even an alcoholic here and there) and it always made me very aware of my drinking. (again, another story for a later time).

I had a uterine ablation in my mid 40's.  I had ALWAYS had heavy periods and it got so bad at one point that I had to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes (and of course it happened when I was hosting a baby shower for a friend).  That procedure helped me not to have to deal with that anymore going through peri-menopause to the onset of menopause.

When I was in my very early 50's I went 6 months without a period and I was like "YES!"  I'm done!  And then NOPE! I had another one.   Within a year and a half of that, I finally went through the "12 months without a period" and could officially say that I was in menopause.  No more periods.  Hot flashes, yes, but the periods were gone.  No more eggs.

I have realized that with social media nowadays, my generation, (fondly called Generation X) is being so much more vocal about menopause. And the symptoms, and suggestions, and help and more women just talking about it in general.  This makes me happy because this means (or at least I hope it will mean) that it won't be a taboo to talk about, and my girls will not be so "left in the dark" when it happens. And they can be prepared (education wise, no one is ever prepared for the roller coaster it takes you on) and the support of doctors and their fellow friends who embark on the journey as well.

Because let's face it, going through ANYTHING alone is not fun (not that going through it with a bunch a friends is a party, but at least they can all commiserate together).