Turning the Corner

This past week I made a decision.

What should I focus on...

Would it be crocheting?

Sewing?

Photography?

All three I love with a passion.

But as my daughter and friend/mentor told me.....I need to pick one.

That doesn't mean I have to abandon the others.

It just means I have to put my main focus on one passion and run with it.

I need to own that passion.

Show that passion.

Live that passion.

A few events came into play this past week to render my decision.

I was commissioned for some work with this passion.

I was introduced to another fellow artist by a longtime friend of mine, and this was without her knowing what decision I had made.

I was "friended" by two fellow artists on Google+ who chose the same passion I am choosing.

A friend encouraged me to enter a blog contest.

All of these events happened within a week of each other.

Coincidence?

Or were they signs telling me what was in my heart all along?

However you look at it.

I chose it.

I chose photography.

I know I have a long way to go to find my niche in the photography world.

But it's what I love.

It's a passion that I rekindled a couple of years ago, with many possibilities.  I was making contacts.

A passion that I had to put on hold for a little while.

But no more.

I'm back.

And it's what I love to do.

And I can't wait to keep rekindling that passion as I keep pushing forward.

Stay tuned......

Finding Balance

Yin Yang Symbol

"Balance is essential to harmony and health"

"Yin-Yang represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without each other."

Finding that "Balance" in your life can be VERY frustrating.

Things aren't going your way.  You feel you are trying and trying and getting nowhere.

I get that.  BELIEVE me, I get that.

The past 14 months, actually the past 2 years I have felt that way.  Between a marriage ending, finding a full-time job, finding my place, taking care of my girls, living in a house that likes to suck in water when it rains REALLY heavy for a LONG time, getting a new car, trying to keep order going, friends, family, etc, etc, etc.

You get it.

It's not easy.  There are many a time when I just want to crawl up into a ball, shut out the world and say "forget about it".  Or yell and scream and cry and say "life's not fair"!

And then I have those self-doubts.  You know them. We ALL have them.  I don't care HOW confident you are, you know you get them too. 

BUT.......

You've got to find the good in everything too.  You've GOT to find the balance to even that all out.

You've got to find the positives.

The marriage ended, but I get a chance to showcase who I AM.  I had to find a crappy full-time job, but I got to learn new software and learn how to tolerate other things and find a new job that starts soon.   I felt lost at times, but I smile and am more happy now than I have been in a long time.  My car broke down, I had to get a new smaller, car with payments, but it's MY car, and it's cute, and I like it.   Yes, there's chaos in my life, but I try and look for the positive every day.  To try and find out a lesson that I'm learning to improve myself. Friends and family will tell you that I am a very impatient person.  But I am learning patience.  And that is vital to me.  To my psyche.

See?

Balance.

I DO have a lot on my plate.  But I make time for ME.  For myself.  To go enjoy life with the people I care about.  Share special moments.  Make others smile.  Make me smile.

And that is a key important in finding that balance.  You may be starting to undertake a HUGE committement in your life.  Or start to take on a project that may be life altering in some aspect of your life.  And it may seem overwhelming. (Trust me, I feel overwhelmed PLENTY of times).  But take time and go have fun.   Go by yourself or share it with friends, or a special someone who makes you smile. 

Find that balance in your life.

A New Path Is Forming

Our lives are one continuous path.  One road.  That road may twist and turn a LOT, but it's still a path we must take.

Today I took a step on a new path that I have been wanting to take for a long time.

My beautiful magical friend encouraged me to take it.

She has been pushing me to take this path for a long time now.

She inspired me to take it a few years ago.  And that path, while it was a small one, was a start of a journey I am on now.

That path didn't dead end for me, but it did come to a standstill, for the time being.

I am hoping to pick up that path again very soon.

And while I'm not sure if the path will entail the same elements it did before, it is a path that I feel I am ready to start back up on.

A path for ME.

A path that I have to believe DO believe is meant for me.

A path of creativity.  Of success.

A path where I have the confidence of showcasing that part of me and believing in it.

I know it won't be an easy journey.

There will be many ups and downs, self doubt, worries, highs, lows, but I CHOOSE to believe that  this is something for me.

I still can't quite put my finger on exactly what it will be, but I have friends who see me down the road, being successful.   They can feel the energy that will be there.

And if they believe..............

Then I must as well.

Not for them, but for ME.  For me and my girls.

Here we go.

Happy Birthday to My Baby!

Today my baby turns 9 years old.

Wow, this is her last year in the "single digits" age.

I always like to reflect back on their life so far on their birthdays.  Jordan didn't come into the world as most babies should, on time.

No, she came 6 weeks early.  I remember that day so vividly.  It was scary and exciting at the same time.  I was going to get to see my baby!  But oh no, my baby was coming too soon!  My friend, Michelle, was in the delivery room with me most of the day and I'm so glad she was there with me!

I so incredibly scared those first few days of her life.  When she was born, her lungs weren't fully ready to be used on their own.  She was on oxygen, and ended up having a collapsed lung and had to have a chest tube put in her.  

Like clockwork, I was in NICU to see her every 3 hours.  I made sure I pumped because I was going to make sure she got my milk, because I knew it was the best for her.  I probably had the quickest recover every from delivering a baby, because I was always walking over to NICU to be with her.  And thank goodness the hospital let me stay there, because there was no way I was leaving my baby.



Jordan a few days old



THANKFULLY she was able to go home after only just a week.  She recovered quickly and was strong.  She had jaundice for quite a while though.

Of course after that, she rarely let me sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time.   There were times that I had to put her in her car seat and I literally slept on the floor just so she would sleep for a little while.   I wasn't going to do the family bed with Jordan, but it ended up better, just so I could get some sleep.  And, for those of you non-believers, she sleeps FABULOUSLY now, in her own bed.

1 year old

Here she is at 1 year old.  as you can see she thrived very well her first year of life.  One thing about her is that she liked noises.  Maybe it was from being in NICU?  I have no idea.  But she was always making noises.  You can ask her sister, she will remember too.

Halloween 2003

2 years  old

One thing about her is that she's always busy with something, or curious about something.  She'll ALWAYS ask us "WHY"  And she has such a creative mind.  She will come up with the most interesting things.  One day in the car, she was sitting there and she had a notebook and she drew and created her own Superheroes!  Her imagination astounds me sometimes. 

She is also much more comfortable with "routines".  With my older one, I could put her in the parks and recs preschool here, which is 10 weeks and then off for 6 weeks.  She was fine with it.  This one?  Not so much.   Deviation from the routine would leave her in a quandry.  I found a Montessori Preschool which she ended up loving.  It was every day and she needed that.  She needed that continuity.  She still does.

3 years old

She has always loved to play dress up and was thrilled when her grandparents got her this dress for her birthday. I just love her smile.  It warms my heart every single time.

4 years old

Here is a prime example of her "spontaneous spirit".  She was in her nightgown and looked outside and saw leaves falling all over the place and so she wanted to go run around the backyard in them as they were falling and flying all over the yard.

She is one though that has always liked to be by my side and want me.  Even as a baby she did, but she was always so curious as to her surroundings.

 She can have her "oddities" as well.  She likes to have things a certain way.  That's not to say that she's neat. Not by a longshot.  In fact, she is most definitely the messiest person in this house.  And it drives her sister crazy too.  And I do get to a point where it does drive me crazy too, but I have to pick my battles with her.  She is one that knows what she wants.  And she is one where she will decide what time she is ready for something.  I tried to take her to swimming lessons and after the 2nd time, she was screaming to get out of the pool.  So we didn't continue.  But she swims just fine now.

There are times she has her certain habits, which drive some people crazy.  One time my cousin and her boyfriend came down to visit and after 1 day of it, her boyfriend called me a saint to be able to put up with everything she does.

I see the creativity in her.  I see the wheels turning.  I allow her to be creative in who she is.  And if it means being a messy person, so be it.

I do have to say that she does clean her room from time to time now, which is a feat in itself.

  She has the most amazing eyes, doesn't she?

To first know her, she is very shy.  But not as shy as she used to be.  You couldn't even get her to say Hi to you before, but now, she will at least do that.

But at school?  Geez, the girl had friends arguing over who gets to play with her.  I am dead serious.  And the thing is, is that she doesn't care, for the most part, who she plays with.

One time in Kindergarten, my friend, Sandra, came up to me one day and said that it was so sad, she saw her  on the playground by herself.  I told Sandra that that was because she didn't want to play with anyone.  That was her choice.  And maybe that's why kids are drawn to her, because she has such a laissaz faire attitude with it all.  Well, except when it comes to her sister, and or wanting something.  Then she is as stubborn as hell and will not stop.  And as annoying as it is now, it's going to be a big asset for her when she grows up.

And this girl is smart.  Boy is she smart.  I think things come fairly easily to her and she doesn't feel the need to have to try that hard.  At least when it comes to education.  SO FAR.

And with sports?  If she applied herself she could be a real athlete.  I see it in her.  But she comes off as goofy and uncoordinated, because I think she doesn't apply herself, because it's not that important to her.  Which is fine too.

I allow her to be who she is and who she wants to be.  I see the magic inside her.

Happy Birthday to my Sweet Baby J.

Simpler Things

This summer I brought back out the Popsicle molds I have, and by using Kool-Aid, or Juice, I have been making popsicles for the girls.  MUCH cheaper than buying them, that's for sure.

I have been having to go back to doing the "simpler" things in life, for economic reasons.

Growing up, I didn't have much.  I shared a bedroom with my 2 sisters, and my mom raised the 3 of us.  On her own.  We lived in a duplex so we did have a front yard which was very nice for us  It made the little place we lived in feel a little bigger.

Sometimes for dinner we would have soup and corn muffinsr, or peaches and cottage cheese, and my sisters and I thought that was the best!  Little did we know then, that that was all my mom could afford.  But she made things like that seem super special for us.

Sodas were a treat on the weekends, and weekends only.  Heck, going out to dinner was a REAL treat for us then, too, as it did not happen often at all.

I have found myself remembering those time and using them for a reference.

I do have it much better than my mom did, when she raised me and my two sisters.  I am definitely grateful for that.

But as little as we did have, we were happy.  We were grateful for the things we did have (and yes, we did envy our friends who had more, but it seemed they always liked being at our house).

And while being without certain things, we made due with what we had and learned how to do things, that maybe we wouldn't have learned how to do, had we had more things.

For example, I learned how to sew and crochet at a very early age (10).   Something I still need to teach my girls how to do.  Spending summers coloring, doing paint-by-numbers, coloring those HUGS posters with markers (do you remember those?)

A couple of weeks ago I was up in L.A., visiting my friend, Jayde.  While we were talking, some entertainers were getting ready to perform in the park across the street.  He and I went and watch and it was so entertaining to watch!  And the best part?  It was free!

Which got my mind thinking of all the activities that me and my girls could do that were free.  Like partake at a concert in the park.  Or go to the beach (yes, parking is free here in San Diego).  Or go to the park, or the library (as long as we return the books back on time...)

And these days they have these "daily save" emails that you can get from various places where you can buy "coupons" for a ridiculously low price.  I got the girls and I tickets to Knott's Soak City for $15 apiece, which is more than 1/2 off the normal price!  Or 2 for 1 movie tickets.  Or spend $5 and get $10 worth of food at Submarina, and things like that.

In this economy, these things are valuable.  And even more so for me.  Because it makes it possible for me to do these things, that I, otherwise wouldn't be able to afford to do.

It brings me back to when I was young, and also early on when my oldest was little and we had to "economize".    It helps to bring out the "creativity" in me.  To think "outside the box".

And I believe it is a valuable tool to teach my girls.  To help them appreciate more what they DO have.  And yes, they are going to wish they had other things.  They are going to wish they had more.  But, in reality, don't we all?  And that's okay to think that, or wish that, as long we DO appreciate what we DO have, and be grateful for that.

So tell me, what are some of the simpler things in life that you like to do?  I would love any and all of your suggestions.

The Journey.....What Lies Ahead........

Our life is a constant journey.

The journey doesn't end until we do.

Lately I've been feeling a pull in my direction.

It was a little tug, but the more time that goes one, the more I feel that pull.

A pull back into the scrapbooking world, but not like it was before.

Before, for me it was creating pages to showcase the pictures of my girls.  My family.

Wanting the latest and greatest supplies the scrapbooking world had to offer.  But always having it surrounded with family photos.  I am attaching a couple of pages I took a snapshot of, of my work.

Simple pages, really.

But it's what's on those pages that inspire me.

And I'm not just talking about the pictures.

I'm talking about the mediums that are on there.

The paper.....Oooooh, the paper, have always loved the paper.

The embellishments.  Acrylic flowers, brads, flowers, ribbon, and paint.

Such an endless array of items beyond that to create with.

So what if I used those in some sort of way to showcase other things?

I wonder how it would turn out?

Stay tuned, to find out.

What lies ahead for me?  I have no idea.  But I'm looking forward to it.

Life is a journey that you can choose to embrace or fear.  I choose to embrace it.

I choose to embrace it with people in my life who make me smile.   People in my life who make me think.  People who I love for who they are.  People who inspire me.

Choose

A few years ago I started seeing a therapist.

Okay background story..........my mom passed away on December 19, 2004 unexpectedly from a massive stroke.  This was a devastating loss to me and my whole family.  She was our rock.  She was my rock.

On my old blog I have a post describing the day my family scattered her ashes.  You can read it here:
Mom's Ashes

Shortly after that, her estate went through probate and everything was settled.  I received the check in the mail and that day I had my first panic attack.  Needless to say that was the beginning of a long road ahead of me.

I found out through therapy and talking that I had really had suffered from anxiety for a long time, this just brought it all to the forefront.  It was a long road that I hope I never go through again.  Suffering from anxiety and panic attacks can literally be paralyzing.  It took a few years for me to really get over it.  That and a wonderful therapist who I cherish.

She also gave me a word that I took ownership of.

"CHOOSE"

People always say "I have to do this" or "I have to do that".  When in reality most of the time you don't.

 It is something you are CHOOSING to do.

So when my beautiful friend Stacy had a "Word of the Year" necklace at her shop Bella Wish, I wanted one.  But for the longest time I couldn't come up with MY word.  Then all of the sudden I realized MY word was standing there right in front of me.   CHOOSE.

My life has changed a LOT since last year.  And I chose to handle it in my own way.

We don't always get what we want and a lot of the time we have to work hard for it.  But it's a choice we are making to do that.

I was talking with a good friend of mine the past couple of days.  I was helping them with their problem and I realized that I needed a little help myself.  My friend and I think a LOT alike, and it was in their words to me to help me to realize that I had a choice.  And I took ownership of that.  And I chose to take control of it.

When life gets to be a little hairy, remember that you have a choice.  Step back, gain perspective, realize you do have a choice.  Maybe there is a situation that is beyond your control and there is nothing you can do about it, but you DO have a choice in how you handle it.

And to my friend, if you are reading this, thank you again for helping me to realize my choice. :)