(This is an essay I wrote in my English class in Fall of 2023)
The simple act of wanting to become a mom can sound so trivial. Being responsible for raising a human being and providing the guidance to help that child become a great asset to the world is a full-time job in itself. That desire and yearning for me to become a mom to provide that was something that I felt needed to be fulfilled in my life.
The exact moment in time when that notion filled my head is a blur, however I do believe it was at some point in high school. It’s entirely possible that it occurred either when my friends and I were either partaking in underage drinking or when each friend was grounded after being caught in said drinking escapades, or both. I do remember making a mental note to myself of how I felt at that moment and how I wanted to remember it for when I had children to hopefully relate to that time in a teenagers life.
My life seemed vastly different than my group of friends’ lives. I only had a mom in the household. No father. My friends were only children, and I had to share a room with two sisters. I felt like the odd one out in my group. But as I knew more about my friends’ parents, I realized my difference was a good thing. Even though my mom was raising three daughters all by herself, I felt there was more love, compassion and understanding in my household than any of my friends had with two parents. Maybe I’m also biased. While my friends wore the styles of the season, I had enough clothes to last me the full week and not much more. Meals were sometimes very simple, but my sisters and I felt like we won the jackpot at dinners when we just got peaches and cottage cheese for dinner. Holiday decorations were simple but memorable. My mom worked her best to make each occasion special.
The yearning to become a mom led me down the path of research. I observed just about every female that played a part in my life and took notes of certain aspects I wanted to use for myself when I became a mom. My mom was at the tip top of the list with asterisks all around. The compassion, love, kindness and acceptance she showed for everyone was a key factor in my own development and training for becoming a mom. One aunt of mine, only 8 years older than me, has always enjoyed life to the fullest and is always willing to embark on an adventure. Another aunt of mine, along with her husband and five children, had her house filled with cursing and witty sarcasm that flowed through the house like lava. My best friend’s mom always emulated a sense of independence and strength. I took note of all of these and tucked them aside to put to use later in my life.
In my early twenties, the man who I thought would be my forever person married me and helped to provide the starting point for the two children in our lives. My first daughter made her entrance into our world and joy overflowed my whole heart and mind. When we brought her home from the hospital he was so extremely nervous. He wanted one of us to be awake at all times in case something happened to her. I was the polar opposite and quite calm. In my mind I thought, “I’ve got this”. He was enlisted in the Navy and there were many times where he was out to sea for over six months during our marriage, leaving me to raise my children myself during that time. There is a term called “mother’s intuition”, wherein a mother listens to her instincts and acts accordingly. That intuition provided me with good instincts over the years.
The fairytale dream of being married with two kids, a house and a dog made its way through the course of our marriage, but ultimately marriage statistics invaded our lives, among other aspects, and I was left being the main caregiver. I did have practice after all, with those many months of him being out to sea, but it was still a bit different knowing that it was going to happen on a constant basis. I was nervous about the financial aspect of being divorced, but in my head I said, “I’ve got this”. I wasn’t going to end up like my mom and raise my children financially on my own. Research is apparently something I use as a tool frequently, and I was able to go the legal way and get secure financial help from their father towards raising my two daughters.
Newly divorced, back to working a full-time job, and having to place my youngest daughter in after school care, a new modified version of our life made its way through the years. It was a change for us, but along with those qualities I used to mold myself as a mom, I used my own memories as the daughter of a single mom to help myself go forward. My mom was no longer alive to ask questions, and there were many times I would cry to myself wishing I had her alive to help support me emotionally. I was lucky enough to have friends that provided that emotional support.
Within a year and a half of going back to work full-time, a better job opportunity presented itself in my life and I was able to be a present figure in their lives during sporting and school events, and the ability to take them to doctor and dentist appointments. Facebook memories have reminded me of the multitude of soccer, softball, track, swimming and school events that enveloped our daily lives. My mom rarely had the opportunity to attend such events when I was in school because of her work schedule, so I was extremely grateful for the job that gave me the flexibility. As hectic as things got while raising my daughters and juggling schedules, there was always that voice in the back of my mind saying, “I’ve got this”.
Financially it was a struggle for a while, however opportunities kept presenting themselves in my life. Being raised with little luxury items growing up, led me to always be concerned about financial security. I started a side business of portrait photography that led to a solid customer base for 11 years. An opportunity to purchase the rental I was in, seemed impossible, however the friends that surrounded me helped to provide guidance and steer me towards making that goal possible. As a single parent, I was able to provide my daughters and myself with a place that we could truly call our own, and allowed me to check off another item in my list of succeeding as a mom and hopefully provide a good role model to my daughters.
After choosing to eliminate my side photography business, I was now left with a lot more time on my hands. My oldest had graduated college and lived out on her own. My youngest was starting her junior year of college. The pandemic created the opportunity for me to work from home the majority of the time, even post-pandemic. In the back of my mind I had always wanted to return to college and one day get my degree, but as time dragged on into many years of taking care of my children, that thought had been lost in the daily, monthly and yearly happenings in my life. With this new found time on my hands, the wheels started spinning in my head. Once again, research took its hold on me. I chose to take a summer class and realized I wasn’t as old as I thought and my brain was still working pretty well. Technology has allowed me to obtain my education online. I told my girls about my goal to get my bachelor’s degree and said, “I want you to be proud of me”. They told me they’ve always been proud of me as their mom and how I have always been there for them. “You’ve got this Mom”. Hearing from my girls how proud they already are of me for what I’ve done for them encouraged me even more. I’ve got this, and it turns out “I’ve always had this”.
